With the arrival of 35 Denton this weekend, festival season is officially upon us. But festivals have gotten complicated, and you can no longer just grab your buds, hop in your Civic hatchback and chill in a tent for three days. You need provisions, a plan, intestinal fortitude, hand sanitizer, Red Bull, bandanas, comfortable shoes, a living will, two years worth of receipts, sunscreen ...
That's where our buddy Festy comes in. He's been around the festival circuit, if you know what I mean, and has a few simple rules for living every festival like it's your last. Literally! I mean, look at this guy.
This is perfect for 35 Denton, SXSW, Bonnaroo, Coachella, Bumbershoot, Fun Fun Fun Fest, ACL, Bro Fest, our St. Patrick's Day parade, Skeedaddle Fest, The Rocky Mountain Flim Flam and more! Happy festing, and we hold no responsibility for whatever this shady grunge werewolf tells you.
-Put your whole head in the Porta Potty when vomiting to avoid discourteous splashing
-Have a Red Bull/Monster/5-Hour Energy at breakfast, after breakfast, before lunch, after lunch and three before dinner *
-Film every show with your iPad 2. You don't want to miss anything.
-Make sure you request the song that only you love at a crackling, drunken volume
-Eat from the gutters, it's cheap
- Ditto on Dumpsters
-Interrupt a street band by making change out of their guitar case
-Tell a living statue to fuck off
-Burn a large straw man in effigy
-Create a pop-up parking lot business
-Crash the Wi-fi of a coffee shop by bit-torrenting Lord of the Rings
-Wait in long lines for food, order, and then leave without the food. That'll show 'em.
-Pee around, never in, the toilet
-Get to the front of long lines by proclaiming you're the "King of Denmark" *
-MacGyver new underwear with bits of hair, SoBe bottles and street leaves
-Get backstage by telling the security guard you're lost and looking for your mom
-Start a mosh pit at the folk tent
-Invest in some Gold Bond Powder for chafing, but NOT snorting. Man, I did that back at Lollapalooza '92 and ended up in a cult in Ecuador. Yeah, I saw God, and I laughed in his fucking face!
-Wrap yourself in bubble wrap, so when you run into someone because you were texting while walking, you'll make a funny sound and no one will be mad. Also works for "concert-touchers."
-Thin out the drink line by telling everyone Ryan Gosling and Bill Murray are "Right over there, just randomly hugging people."
-Keep your festival beard well-groomed, so that a small family of mice does not take up residence in it. If it does, however, you must do the right thing and give them names and hierarchy, like in Downton Abbey.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
- Use a fake, hard-to-pin-down accent for the weekend. It makes you seem more interesting, and people will buy you drinks.*
- Are you the "tall guy" everyone's always getting mad at for standing in front of them? Make sure you're also holding a crying child on your shoulders, and have your cell phone up the whole time.
- No one cares about your blog, so just stop talking about it.