Do you guys like Red Bull? Because we here at DC9 really like Red Bull. We drink Red Bull all the time. Helps us keep up with the crazy hours of the gig. Red Bull, in our humble opinion, has always been "the best." Red Bull, Red Bull, Red Bull. So good.
But, um, this news isn't so hot: Turns out, this guy in Clearwater, Florida? Stephen Coffeen? Who killed his dad? He did so because he drank Red Bull. Maybe. Not sure, really. But the four doctors who took the stand in his murder case all said that he had a momentary lapse in sanity. And at least one expert specifically blamed Red Bull.
Aside from the obvious initial questions we have on the matter -- like why a guy whose last name literally contains the word "coffee" in it is drinking Red Bull and not coffee, and, wow, isn't it weird that his name also kinda sounds like the word "caffeine," too? -- we've got other concerns.
Namely this one: Is Red Bull not as awesome as we initially thought? Or is it all the more awesome, since, y'know, you can drink it, admit to murder, be deemed insane, get sent to a mental hospital and, potentially, be released in six months?
Either way, we're second-guessing our stance on the energy drink -- even while knowing that the company behind the drink really does throw some awesome parties. Which begs the question: What are we supposed to do now?
Find a replacement, duh. And, since we tend to self-medicate with music, let's do just that.
After the jump, check out a list of our favorite songs that, simply by listening to them, will give you wings, no Red Bull needed.
Beastie Boys -- "Make Some Noise"
This song actually sounds like what happens when you drink a Red Bull. It starts off loosey-goosey and somewhat sloppy, the gets correct fast -- with the seminal Long Island emcees shouting at you to "Get up!" no less.
Big Boi -- "Shutterbug"
The broken glass at this song's start says it all: Head down and barrel through.
The Big Pink -- "Too Young to Love"
Swirling, whirring guitars and a general ethereal aesthetic -- a fine mix of the hazy and suddenly motivated.
Bosco Delrey -- "Baby's Got A Blue Flame"
Hey, Red Bull cans are blue!
Cat Empire -- "Hello"
One of the most annoying songs of all-time, admittedly. But invigorating nonetheless.
ceo -- "Come With Me"
Ah, the age-old promise that things will get better if you give in and go (with a Red Bull) to a place far from reality.
Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, Lil Wayne -- "Look at Me Now"
This Diplo- and Afrojack-produced beat is plenty enough of a mind-trip -- and then Busta Rhymes shows up, sounding like he either just chugged 400 Red Bulls or snorted a bigger pile of cocaine than the one Scarface buried his face in.
Cold Cave -- "Life Magazine"
This whole song is an artificial head-rush.
Crystal Castles -- "Baptism"
Truly the "Sandstrom" of our time. You pumped? We're pumped.
daniwellP -- Nyanyanyanyanyanyanya!
Yes, this is the song from the Nyan Cat video. Break on through past the point where it's annoying as hell, and you've got yourself the best pick me up ever, maybe.
The Death Set -- "Listen to This Collision"
Is it better to collide with caffeine or a pair of heavy eyelids?
Deerhoof -- "The Perfect Me"
You're perfect even without Red Bull.
Delphic -- "Doubt"
The way that sample goes at the start of the song is a pretty accurate description of our inner monologue when jacked up on Red Bull.
Depeche Mode -- "Just Can't Get Enough"
Sleep is for people who can get enough.
Digitalism -- "I Want, I Want"
The chorus doesn't really make grammatical sense ("Am I not always be wanting this?"), but those riffs make us want to run wind sprints.
Fizzy Dino Pop -- "Chiyo Chiyo"
The audio equivalent of sugar.
Gil Scott-Heron and Jamie xx -- "NY Is Killing Me"
Jaime from The xx gives the late, great Scott-Heron's song a serious trippy edge -- the kind you only feel when staring at your ceiling, lying in bed, hopped up on too much Red Bull and not enough Advil PM.
Anything by Girl Talk
Attention Deficit Disorder is a problem, and Girl Talk has it.
Jonsi -- "Go Do"
You can do it! Put your mind into it!
Justice -- "Civilization"
Let's slam dunk basketballs!
King Khan & The Shrines -- "Land of the Freak"
In the land of people dependent on Red Bull, the man without need for caffeine is king.
Late of the Pier -- "The Bears are Coming"
Get past the fart-bass and give in.
Lil Wayne feat. Cory Gunz -- "6 Foot 7 Foot"
Banana's are a good source of energy, too.
Mastodon -- "Crystal Skull"
"The source of consciousness," indeed.
Matt & Kim -- "Yea Yeah"
Adorably energetic, par for Matt & Kim course. Bonus points for making us think of Yeah-Yeah! from The Sandlot.
Mean Jeans -- "Born on a Saturday Night"
Saturday night's all right for amping yourself up and blowing off important life moments, like the fact that your mom is dead and your dad turned you into a drunk.
Metronomy -- "My Heart Rate Rapid"
Red Bull makes the heart beat faster. True story. Related: It's not a good idea to drink Red Bull before going to visit your physician.
Mclusky -- "To Hell With Good Intentions"
Mohicans -- "Fa Shiggadow"
Dance the sleep away.
Mount Righteous -- "Sea Man"
Better to hear a chorus of people singing in real life than to hear a muddy chorus of ideas racing around in your head, I guess.
Mord Fustang -- "Lick the Rainbow"
Because, last we checked, no one murdered their parents while eating skittles.
New Order -- "Bizarre Love Triangle"
Skip the jagerbomb and jump into some relationship drama!
Notorious B.I.G. and Bone Thugs N Harmony -- "Notorious Thugs"
If the harmonious speed-rappers of Bone Thugs can't get you going, you have lost hope.
Oberhofer -- "Away FRM U"
Scientific fact: The "Oooh! Oooh!" in this song is every bit as invigorating as one of those Red Bull shots that were designed to compete with Five-Hour Energy.
Ocelot -- "Beating Hearts"
Again: Red Bull will make your heart rate explode. It's not healthy.
Passion Pit -- "Sleepyhead"
Sometimes being sleepy can be pretty cool, turns out.
Sleigh Bells -- "Crown on the Ground"
Distorted guitars are the new caffeine.
Tiesto & Marcel Woods -- "Don't Ditch"
Why do they even need to sell Red Bull at raves? These synth hooks don't work well enough?
Tobacco -- "Motorlicker"
We condone neither excessive Red Bull drinking nor tobacco intake. Unless we're taking about this song, which is a head-trip in and of itself.
Uffie -- "MCs Can Kiss"
A gentle reminder of the wrath that Red Bull drinking can bring.
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