We Couldn't End the Year Without Ranking PornHub's Latest Album

Does this make you hungry or horny or both?
Does this make you hungry or horny or both? Miguelangelortega/Getty Images
This past year has seemed to really screw all of us, so it wouldn’t be right if we didn’t close it out with some bangers. By now, you’ve surely exhausted Josh Groban and Michael Buble’s Christmas albums, but for some odd reason, Pornhub released a holiday album appropriately titled Pornhub XXXmas Album, a collection of seven holiday-themed bangers. Something for us to hang on to and be super prepared for next year's stocking stuffers.

This is the second collection of songs released by Pornhub records, the first being an EP called Pornhub Valentine’s Day, which contains a song by Dallas rapper Asian Da Brat. While the XXXmas Album clocks in at 17 minutes, which is rather short timing for a good fuck sesh, it makes for, well, interesting entertainment.

Yes, we know we’re a week late here, but we just couldn’t end the year without looking back on this gem.

If for some reason you feel inclined to listen to the album, we’ve provided a track-by-track ranking of the songs. But for the love of God, if you’re going to stream it during sexy time, please make sure you’re subscribed to Spotify Premium. Nothing kills the mood faster than hearing a Cooper Tires ad mid-coitus.

7. “Mistletoe” by A$AP Ferg
While Ferg rarely falls short of delivering the goods, it’s the women who shine on this album. That said, Ferg’s flow on “Mistletoe” is rather flaccid and his rhymes rather weak. “She gon’ get it in the new Sprinter/Keep touchin’ on the wood, no sprinters” is an example of many cringe-worthy lines.

6. “Voicemail (Intro)” by Young M.A. & Demi Sutra
The album opens up with queer rapper Young M.A. acting as Santa Claus, instructing callers to leave her a voicemail. Porn actress Demi Sutra, as Mrs. Claus, leaves an angry message for Santa, saying that she’s leaving for someone who “slides down her chimney” better than Santa ever did. Nothing really banger-worthy here, but fun to see rappers get creative with intros.

5. “Stuff Our Stockings Santa (Outro)” by Young M.A. & Asa Akira
The album’s closing track concludes the story of Young M.A. as Santa Claus, who tells porn actress Asa Akira “Mrs. Claus cut me off over some ho-ass, broke-ass, unjolly-ass hoes.” Akira then invites her to “eat [her] cookie so good” and to “fuck [her] with that north pole.” While the skit may be a bit depraved, the use of bells infused with a trap beat make it a festive closer.

4. “Holiday Freak Shit” by Mila J
Despite lyrics such as “Santa baby, buy me a Benz and make this pussy glow/He said he likes to eat it 'cause it's sweet like cookie dough,” Mila J’s “Holiday Freak Shit” is one of the album’s tamer tracks. It also shows Mila J, the older sister of Jhene Aiko, is criminally underrated. “Holiday Freak Shit” is a sexy, R&B Christmas banger we didn’t know we needed (or wanted).

3. “Vixen” by KenTheMan
Houston rapper KenTheMan raps audaciously about making a man submit to her in bed. She also demands to be blinged out in ice and expensive clothes. Truthfully, “Vixen” could be a banger at any time of the year, not just the holidays.

2. “Naughty Girl” by Rubi Rose

Rapper Rubi Rose (not to be confused with Australian actress Ruby Rose) raps over a “Santa Baby”-esque trap beat about how she’s been naughty all year. But as she explains to Santa, she doesn’t want to sit on his lap, but on his face. Seriously, what is with all of these rappers wanting to fuck Santa? This track bumps, though.

1. “Ho” by Sukihana
Like Rubi Rose, Sukihana has been rather naughty all year. But despite this living hell of a year, it has been one of the best for Suki’s career. From appearing in Cardi B & Megan thee Stallion’s “WAP” video and becoming a millionaire by way of OnlyFans, Sukihana is on the rise. It’s only right that she closes out the year by delivering a randy, purely lustful Christmas anthem. Yes, we’ve established that all of these deviant raps about Santa Claus are fucking weird, but Suki is making her demands known. “You want some ass, Santa? Well I want some cash, Santa,” she says in the song’s chorus. This is a line that will get stuck in our heads, whether we want it to or not.
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Alex Gonzalez has been a contributor to the Dallas Observer since 2018. He is a Dallas native whose work has appeared in Local Profile, MTV News and the Austin American-Statesman. He has eclectic taste in music and enjoys writing about art, food and culture.
Contact: Alex Gonzalez