Best performance of the night, by far, was Chris Brown's dancing melody which included him grooving to Nirvana and flipping and flying in the air on wires hooked to his back. Very cool.
9. Upon receiving a Moon Man trophy for Best New Artist, a dude named Tyler, The Creator's -- and we thought Cedric The Entertainer was lame -- speech began with "I'm excited as fuck!" By the way, estimated MTV bleeps for curse words: 103.
8. I want to hate Bruno Mars, but that kid is pretty suave. Do we still use "suave"?
7. Worst of the night: Lady Gaga wasting so much time dressed and talking like her alter ego, "Joe Calderone". Best of the night: LMFAO had a silent member -- I think he's in their videos -- wearing a giant robot head. Introduced him as "Shuffle Bot." Genius.
6. Miley Cyrus isn't a little girl anymore. Kim Kardashian is too wide for me. Beyonce is pregnant. And the funniest moment of the night was just the sight of Justin Bieber trying to be, well, I have no clue. But damn it made me laugh. He might be the planet's most ridiculous person. Bieber was wearing these big, ropey gold chains. And tight red pants. And, best of all, giant glasses that looked like a toy pair from Six Flags or something. But the funny part is he was all serious and business-like. He won an award and thanked "Not only God, but also Jesus." What did the Holy Ghost do to get left outta his speech?
5. In a night reserved for the young 'n hip, somehow Tony Bennett and Cloris Leachman made it onto the stage. Bennett introduced a duet he taped a while back with Amy Winehouse, while Leachman introduced something or other with the girls from Jersey Shore but began talking while forgetting to hold the microphone up to her mouth. I couldn't understand her speech or the song performed by Kanye West/Jay-Z. They both wore untied work boots, but their words were absolutely undecipherable.
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4. Lil Wayne ended the show with an angry rap song. I'd love to tell you what it was about but it had so many bleeped words I actually thought my TV audio was screwing up. And I was distracted by his skin-tight, leopard-print pants, which exposed his entire blue-underweared butt. Not a fan.
3. Katy Perry won Video of the Year for "Firework." But I had no idea she was so weird. Or does she just dress weird? During pre-show on MTV's "black carpet" she carried a parasol and claimed to have had for lunch an omelet and a shot of tequila. Then upon accepting her award she gingerly walked to the stage balancing what looked like a giant block of cheese atop her head, standing on its corner. Don't know what would be more annoying: Being married to Russell Brand and his exaggerated accent or sitting behind Perry and her hat.
2. The VMA's were followed by an MTV show called I Want My Pants Back. What. The. What?! Also, the network is touting some new video-watching/punchline-making show Ridiculousness. Um, even though I'm old, I recognize that show. It's called Tosh.O. And, let's face it, aren't they both the grandchildren of America's Funniest Home Videos?
1. In a night of strange moments, weirdest to me was the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award (a sort of Lifetime Achievement deal) given to a 29-year-old. Named Britney Spears. All the sudden she's a grand damme of music? Britney was dressed more conservative than any act and she did, for the record, NOT kiss Lady Gaga. At least on stage. Almost, but nope. Back stage ...