Weather

Dallas Weekend Weather: It Is Literally the Apocalypse

Hold on to your hats, both metaphorical and physical, because this weekend is going to get a little wild. I don't know what the deal is with weather specifically on Sundays, but all we can really infer is that none of us are going to church enough, and the Lord is furious.

This Sunday He's finally had enough, and has decide to pull the plug on the long-running city of Dallas. Thankfully the Lord has seen fit to give us advance warning of the end via His mouthpiece St. Delkus.

As you can see, this is pretty much the thing all the Christians were warning us about. Staying indoors isn't going to cut it this time. If you start digging your bunker now, you might get far enough down to put up some sort of rudimentary shelter, but what are you going to do after the storm? How will you rebuild? Dallas will be gone. There won't be any shops. You might have to move to Houston, the center of which will be converted into a giant refugee camp to house those fleeing North Texas. Here's an artist's impression of how Dallas will look on Monday. During the daytime.

As a public service, we've found an advice video for you. Repent now, ye sinners.

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Gavin Cleaver
Contact: Gavin Cleaver