Every week, managing editor Patrick Williams disappears into his office and reemerges a cranky, nicotine-addicted, third-person-referring superhero we like to call Buzz.
Pity Texas Senator Ted Cruz. The poor man can't even go to Iowa for a little praying, a little fundraising and a little defending of traditional marriage without stirring up an overheated pot of speculation about whether he plans to run for president in 2016.
Like there aren't just tons of good reasons for anyone to travel to Iowa in July. All the fashionable folk go there. It's like the St. Tropez of the Midwest, only with more corn and pigs and fewer Frenchmen, which any right-thinking American should see as a plus.
So there's Ted, up in paradise, probably just to sample the fine cuisine (mmm -- loose-meat sandwiches). He stops by to get a laying on of hands from a bunch of ministers -- common activity for Iowa visitors, as everyone knows -- and to say a prayer for marriage, which is in all the tourism brochures. "There's no issue where we need to be more on our knees," he says, which viewed in a certain light (dimmed) is actually a pretty good way to preserve marriages.
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Anyhow, it's all innocent, good-time Iowa fun, and BAM! The liberal media again start questioning whether he is even eligible to run for president because he was born in Canada, the same question they raised last spring.
Damn media. Listen, his American-born mother and Cuban-immigrant father happened to be working in Calgary when Cruz was born, but his mother's citizenship makes him as American as apple pie, or its Canadian equivalent. (Apple poutine?) Besides, we're talking about Canada here, which isn't a real foreign country like Kenya or Hawaii or something. Hell, if someone farts on a street corner in Calgary on a winter day, you can smell it in Amarillo two days later if a blue norther's howling in. Of course, the air's pretty ripe most days in Amarillo, but you get the point: Even if Cruz were Canadian, which he's not, Canadians should be counted as honorary Americans. Except Celine Dion, who should be hauled out of Vegas in leg irons, sent home and put on a terrorism watch list for "My Heart Will Go On."
Listen: The important thing is, Ted is American enough to run for president. And just because his father reportedly got his U.S. citizenship long after Ted was born, let's not have any vicious "anchor baby" talk. At least not yet.
Can we just have some civility back in our political discourse? That's all Buzz is asking, and if anyone is a shining example of the need for more civility, it's Ted Cruz. We -- we're talking to you, liberal media -- don't want to start pounding on Cruz before he's even really running. It's like coaxing a squirrel to eat from your hand. Any sudden movements now might scare him off, and that could cost us many, many months of entertainment.