Whitney’s Blog

The Dallas Convention & Visitors Bureau came under fire after Channel 8’s Brett Shipp reported on suspect spending by the bureau’s president, David Whitney, including high-dollar golf trips, using limos for rides to the airport and expensive liquor tabs for DCVB members and clients at area topless clubs. Here’s a look at what the online blog for Whitney might have looked like during that time.

JUNE 6, 2002

[4:18:29 PM | D-Dubya]

Got bigwigs in from Atlanta this evening. Better sharpen up the charge card. Tonight, Dallas’ finest will be on display. We’ll prove Atlanta’s got nothing on Big D. Gold Club my ass!

JUNE 7, 2002

[2:17:43 AM | D-Dubya]

Woooooooooo! Mr. Jack Daniels came thru 2-NITE! Scored promise of new convention AND more visitors. The golden two-fer! Note to self: Send DCVB thank-you note to Ms. Thumper Welch. Really, she went above and beyond.

JULY 19, 2002

[9:15:15 AM | D-Dubya]

Testing out new “official” Blackberry wireless phone/browser/e-mail thingie. Now able to update personal Web site from backseat of my limo on way to airport. Works like a charm. Was able to send e-mail to folks waiting for me in ‘Zona, and got instant word back that, indeed, tee time is 2:15 SHARP.

JULY 24, 2002

[5:31:17 PM | D-Dubya]

Finishing up important Dallas business/back nine. Note to self: We get $10 mil a year from hotel tax to lure conventions and tourists–surely there’s $68 there for a golf lesson to fix my slice!

AUGUST 20, 2002

[3:18:43 AM | D-Dubya]

Wowzers. We’d heard that two-for-one lap dance night at The Fare was good for attracting conventions and visitors to our fine city, but DA-YUM. Plus, it’s BYOB there, so it’s easier to get loaded for less. Hey, look, I’m a frugal city staffer. Wheee!

AUGUST 21, 2002

[2:17:43 PM | D-Dubya]

Advil. Need Advil.

SEPTEMBER 3, 2002

[8:05:02 AM | D-Dubya]

Took limo driver four swipes to get DCVB credit card to go through. Perhaps Ms. Cinnamon Stix damaged card during last night’s marketing meeting. Order replacement card.

OCTOBER 18, 2002

[2:47:01 AM | D-Dubya]

PT’s? PT’s!

NOVEMBER 4, 2002

[9:57:21 AM | D-Dubya]

Time to hunker down before the holidays. Must get to work attracting more conventions and more visitors to the city. Picked up Dallas Observer to help find new meeting places for clients. (Note to self: Santa Fe Cabaret–good for New Mexico contingent?) Also, try out new back swing on city’s dime–it’s win-win! First, return this call from “B. Shipp, Ch. 8” from limo on way to Love Field.

Koko a-Gogo

Sign language, high fashion, photography, kitten adoption. What more could you ask for out of today’s gorilla? Try a pop album…and no, we’re not kidding.

Koko, a gorilla taught to speak using a form of sign language, now has an album to add to her list of accomplishments. Fine Animal Gorilla is Koko’s new claim to fame thanks to the Laurel Canyon Animal Co. (known for its other animal-inspired releases). And Koko signs the lyrics? After a listen, we’re thinking she signs some stuff and someone else writes it into lyric form. It’s a bit unbelievable that Koko has “floetry” down well enough to come up with, “I’m on a mission and before it’s too late/Gotta get me a hubby gotta find me a mate/I wanna make me a baby and I don’t mean maybe/Gonna say it straight, I need to procreate.”

This is an ape with biological-clock issues, apparently.

As it happens, the lyrics were collected from conversations Koko had with her keepers at her home at The Gorilla Foundation in Woodside, California. Koko did, however, have an extensive role in the production of the album as she gave the final OK for each song after reviewing the versions and monitoring progress along the way.

Koko’s diversity is amazing. (We’ll say Koko in reference to the team that performed and created the music, mind you). “Tickle Me Chase” is reminiscent of the Beach Boys performing something from the Lion King, “Koko Love” could be a duet between Meat Loaf and Michael Bolton (no offense to Meat Loaf) and the title track (“Fine Animal Gorilla,” the name Koko uses for herself) is akin to what Olivia Newton-John would sound like on a foray into hip-hop. This album has it all, including Springer-esque chants of “Go Koko, go Koko.”

Fine Animal Gorilla is both highly amusing (even without recommended pre-listen drink…or smoke…or whatever) and really scary. The idea of the musicians in the studio putting this one together is mind-bending alone. The Pillsbury “My Heart to Yours” singer would probably put that on her résumé before any of these would credit Koko.

Artistic embarrassment aside, this would be a great gift to that odd relative who loves animals almost as much as she loves sneaking peas into holiday casseroles. The phrase “right up her alley” couldn’t have been more appropriate as this CD was presented to said odd relative over Thanksgiving dinner and an interesting “veggie dump casserole.”

There is, of course, the charitable aspect that makes this purchase or any of the other titles available at www.laurelcanyonanimalco.com a generous one. Look at it this way–various genres, contributions for animals, comedy, a gift idea for the odd aunt and a name that stands for something. What more could you ask for in one album?

And for the inevitable follow-up, we even have some suggested cuts: “Koko Like That,” “Rusty Cage,” “(Please Don’t) Shock the Monkey,” “The Primate Swing” and “Under My (Opposable) Thumb.”

–Merritt Martin

Gift Guide

It can’t be easy being mayor of a major U.S. city and mother of three, especially around Hanukkah, with its eight days of celebration.

Who has time to shop for gifts when you’re busy redesigning downtown Dallas, overseeing a city charter review and dealing with the annoying swarms of cops, developers and daily newspaper publishers who all want something?

To help Mayor Laura Miller, our former co-worker, ease through this stressful season, Full Frontal has come up with a helpful holiday gift guide for Her Honor, to shorten the amount of time spent shopping and to allow her to devote her energy to the important stuff. We’ve also included a list of suggested gifts for the mayor from her many admirers. It’s our gift to Miller, and really, we expect nothing in return.

Well, if she insists, a pony would be nice.

Things to Buy

For Mary Poss: a copy of the book Chance in Hell: Why You and I Will Never Be Mayor by Billy Jack Ludwig.

For Leo Chaney: a map of South Dallas, so he knows where it is.

For Al Lipscomb: a DART bus pass, since taxis are pretty much out of the question, and a copy of the Randy Newman collection Guilty.

For Robert Decherd: a map of downtown Dallas, a 1,000-gallon drum of gasoline and a big box of matches.

For Jim Schutze: the copy of Bill Bennett’s Book of Virtues that Miller left in her desk at the Dallas Observer.

For Chief Terrell Bolton: a pool table, so he can put all that confiscated chalk to good use.

For Dallas police officers: a 10 percent pay hike and an extra quarter, so the cops can call someone who “really gives a damn.”

For Wal-Mart: a gift certificate to Neiman Marcus.

For her husband, state Representative Steve Wolens: a T-shirt that reads, “My wife became mayor and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.”

For the Mayor

A “P” dictionary, so the mayor can remind herself of the definitions of such archaic words as “populism,” “people,” “pragmatist,” “politician,” “playing favorites” and “potholes.”

A color chart, so she can determine what’s black and what’s white.

A box in the American Airlines Center, since “if you can’t beat ’em, you might as well join ’em and have drinks with ’em and watch flat-screen TVs with ’em and push through all their deals for ’em.”

A new city charter, so she can be “all-powerful, but with everybody’s OK, OK?”

A dream date with Luther Vandross.

One of those “clapper” switch thingies she can hook to the city council PA system to cut off Leo Chaney.

A T-shirt that reads, “That’s Mrs. Bitch Mayor to you, bucko!” for when she has to meet with police association reps.