Film and TV

Cooking with Paris: If Paris Hilton Can Gag Her Way Through Roasting a Turkey, Anyone Can

Paris Hilton only gags a little while prepping a turkey for a holiday meal.
Paris Hilton only gags a little while prepping a turkey for a holiday meal. Netflix Screen Shot of Cooking With Paris
Paris Hilton has a cooking show on Netflix called Cooking With Paris, and it is — in part — everything you  think it’d be: a Champagne cocktail with a scented foam mist and over-the-top glamour that is more curious than purposeful. If you're thinking that you could never take Paris Hilton seriously in the kitchen, well neither does she; that's part of the charm of the show.

The heir to the Hilton hotel empire and Hollywood socialite simply slivs, which is her own made-up word for slaying while living. We should all sliv more.

First for a bit of background: Yes, Hilton never had to work a real day in her life. She’s seemed to simply live her best life in her sleek, fabulous skin. Mostly. And mostly is where the nuance is here.

Hilton isn’t all that meets the eye. In her teens, she was literally hauled off in the dead of night by strangers, at the direction of her super-strict parents, to a “boarding school” where she didn’t see the light of day for 11 months.


Early this year she spoke at a committee hearing at the Utah State Capitol in Salt Lake City urging legislators to adopt laws protecting teens from the sort of treatment she endured while at these schools:
"I was forced to consume medication that made me feel numb and exhausted. I didn't breathe fresh air or see the sunlight for 11 months. There was zero privacy. Every time I would use the bathroom or take a shower, it was monitored. At 16 years old — as a child — I felt their piercing eyes staring at my naked body. I was just a kid and felt violated ​every single day.​"

“I am proof that money doesn’t protect against abuse,” Hilton told the committee.

One of her worst memories was solitary confinement.

“That small room covered in scratch marks and smeared blood with no bathroom is one of the most vivid and traumatizing memories I’ve ever experienced in my entire life,” Hilton told the committee.

The abuse and the fact that it was at her parents’ discretion should allow for a lifetime of therapy. With that on a slow simmer on a back burner, let’s dig into the holiday feast episode on which Hilton cleaned, buttered, stuffed and roasted a turkey. It’s at times a laugh-out-loud comedy and, again, charming in a harmless and endearing way.


Part of the theme of the show is that Hilton wants to start a family soon. So, she invites a friend over and they cook their way through a meal. She’s getting the hang of dinners at the house while wearing flowing designer dresses and heels. Recipes are all hand-written in a large bedazzled scrapbook using different colored markers for each step.

“This is crazy. Who invented stuffing a turkey’s ass with fruits and vegetables? Someone who’s a huge perv.” - Paris Hilton

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“Taco Night with Saweetie” had lots of margaritas and an impressive flan-topped cake all made with Hilton clicking around the kitchen in high heels, never even slightly flustered with any mishaps.

Kim Kardashian came over in another episode to make brunch that included Frosted Flakes French toast and glittery homemade marshmallows. Yes, it’s all silly and chefs probably lose their minds watching it, but it’s fun. Hilton has a clever personality and wields a light-hearted authority because … well because she can.

When Hilton initially buys her bird at the butcher for her holiday feast, she immediately wants to run: a raw turkey is too close to its original self. Alas, she gets it home and sets it in the sink where she reaches into the cavity of the bird to retrieve the neck, which she thinks is a penis. Then she pulls out the bag of giblets with a light gag.
When someone off camera tells Hilton to rinse the bird, she grabs a bottle of water off the counter and pours it over the turkey, while a caption tells viewers, thankfully, that tap water also works. She wrangles the turkey out of the sink like she’s lifting a stinky baby out of a bath, plops it on the counter and dries it off at arms distance before saying, “This covers it all, except for the therapy.”

Next Hilton adds a dry brine which she says is like “massaging some fat hairy gross guy.” (More gagging.) While stuffing the bird, Hilton offers, “This is crazy. Who invented stuffing a turkey’s ass with fruits and vegetables? Someone who’s a huge perv.”

At some point, Hilton is told to add a cup and a half of white wine to the bottom of the roasting pan and she instead pours in the whole bottle so her turkey will be “lit.” Later when a timer goes off she quips, “Let’s check this bitch,” and uses the verb “goldening” as opposed to roasting.

The dinner turns out to be a wonderfully coiffed, glittery feast for her and three social media influencers. One asks if they should say grace before the meal. Hilton gives one subtle nod and with a light smile says, “I pray this food is hot. [Pause.] Loves it. [Pause.] Amen.”

And the other three say amen because in true Paris Hilton fashion, it's the best and most ridiculous prayer ever.

Sliv on this holiday season. 
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Lauren Drewes Daniels is the Dallas Observer's food editor. She started writing about local restaurants, chefs, beer and kouign-amanns in 2011. She's driven through two dirt devils and is certain they were both some type of cosmic force.