A Bill of Rights for Texas Diners

First, some backstory: Earlier this week, Pete Wells, the food critic at The New York Times, got his man panties in a bunch over bread service at New York City restaurants. According to Wells, the practice of serving bread as a complimentary act of welcoming has been slowly receding into restaurant antiquity. That story lead Leslie Brenner, the critic at The Dallas Morning News, to point to an article she once wrote about basic diner’s rights. It’s a thoughtful list that includes basic expectations such as courtesy, hospitality, pricing on specials that might otherwise covertly pummel your finances and gratis tap water.

But it comes up short, especially for a state with peripheral aspirations to secede from the constitutional guidance of the rest of union. Texans need their own, special bill of rights, penned explicitly for Texan diners to protect them from potential abuse from malicious restaurateurs who might otherwise ruin a positive dining experience through the abuse of their powers.

Here is a proposed bill of rights for Texas diners. If ratified if could guarantee that every dining experience had in Texas is a great one. Amend in the comments.

Article One
All diners have the right to valet. For too long valet parking has been a luxury offered at finer dining establishments or restaurants located amidst the towering parking garages downtown. Now, the service shall be mandatory at every establishment that serves food of any kind. From the doughnut shops to steakhouses and from the Kolache huts to the barbecue pits let no hungry Texan ever be burdened with parking their own vehicle again.

Article Two
Chips and salsa shall be provided individually to every diner. This is to occur whether a restaurant is serving Tex-Mex, flame broiled steaks or sushi.

Article Three
Every bathroom shall be outfitted with complete blow out facilities. Let no dining lady leave the restroom coifed with less than four vertical inches of glorious Texan hair. Bonus: Purse hooks strong enough to support the weight of a small Japanese import.

Article Four
Children who scream, yell, throw things, smile, laugh, make eye contact with strangers or otherwise misbehave or think about misbehaving will be lassoed and herded into a corner, where they can watch Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood until the guys in vests bring the car around.

Article Five
A Texan diner shall forever forth retain the right to demand a Dublin Dr Pepper, that company’s demise notwithstanding.

Article Six
The right to bear arms inside a restaurant shall forever be protected for whatever reason deemed necessary by any diner, whether to obliterate substandard food, or intimidate waitstaff with the nerve to charge for sparkling water.

6A: All sparkling water shall be Topo Chico.

Article Seven
The right to request any steak, regardless of pedigree, be cooked well done.

Article Eight
The right to request cheese be added to anything, including a well-done, aged tomahawk ribeye steak.

8A: Cheez Whiz, Velveeta and otherwise pasteurized, processed cheese foods and spreads will from this day forth be recognized as the real deal, and worthy of as much celebration as a carefully aged Camembert… Fuck it, worthy of more celebration than a carefully aged Camembert. Let Velveta be known as the King of all Cheeses for now until the end of time.

Article Nine
All restaurants must always carry burgers, preferably with nickle-thin patties, and always topped with mustard.

Article Ten
Brunch shall be served seven days a week. The mimosas will be bottomless.