Ted Cruz Doesn’t Get Global Warming or Twitter

CNN hosted a series of climate-focused town halls Wednesday, starring 10 Democratic presidential candidates. You’re forgiven if you didn’t tune in. The forums ran seven hours, were moderated by CNN’s less-than-stellar anchor staff and had way more talk about banning plastic straws than anyone needs to listen to.

One person who was listening – or at least paying attention after the fact – was Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, a deeply unfunny man who never met a leaden joke he didn’t love.

Thursday, Cruz decided to play the role of sore winner, lobbing a grenade at former U.S. Rep. Beto O’Rourke, Cruz’s opponent in Texas’ 2018 Senate race, after O’Rourke told a story about his son telling him that their family might have to leave their home in El Paso due to climate change. 

Um, El Paso is land-locked. https://t.co/ORXqu5ojCz

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) September 5, 2019

Let’s dispense with Cruz’s apparent claim first. Land-locked areas have plenty to fear from climate change, whether it’s extreme flooding in the Midwest or extreme heat and drought in the South and Southwest. El Paso residents have literally had to drink treated sewage water because the Rio Grande is drying up. These things are obvious, even in Cruz’s own state.

Not to Cruz, though. 

Beto next year in El Paso…. pic.twitter.com/BDWVJ2LyYz

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) September 5, 2019

Thankfully, Twitter was there, and quickly, to dunk on Cruz in the thread that followed his “joke.”

There were jabs about Cruz being a lizard person, as well as obligatory references to that time his account liked a porn tweet.

Ted not everyone can secrete mucus to protect them from extreme heat

— HELLO I AM DREADLOCK MECHA SAMURAI (@FuzzyMarth) September 5, 2019

You don't say pic.twitter.com/pRywMLIZvt

— GingerFnSnapps(@Nacho_Mama78) September 5, 2019

Many pointed out that global warming makes things hot, sometimes unbearably hot, and contributes to forest fires.

It’s also blazing hot and has an water supply that is at risk due to climate change you dingushttps://t.co/abW2WrCADs

— joyous parasauralophus (@PolarBearColony) September 5, 2019

[me shouting to be heard over the sound of a wildfire consuming the town]

Stop running away! We're landlocked, it can't hurt you!

— Rocko's Modern Wife Guy (@StoicalSophist) September 5, 2019

Comedian Tim Heidecker made things easy for Cruz, highlighting the CNN chyron that was on the screen when O’Rourke made his remarks about potentially no longer being able to live in El Paso. 

Here you go dope. pic.twitter.com/ilEKYlkvht

— M i s t e r A m e r i c a (@timheidecker) September 5, 2019

El Paso’s geography might’ve escaped Cruz, but it didn’t escape Twitter.

This sure looks like a great place to see temps increase and water become unavailable. pic.twitter.com/cKotWF3Axz

— Good with a Sharpie (@sberfield) September 5, 2019

User @Tia_Arizona compared Cruz, unfavorably, with President Donald Trump, while @WinkleBerns dug deep for a Billy Madison reference.

Ted Cruz here trying to outdumb the President for the sake of owning the libs. pic.twitter.com/P5qI19wVyP

— Tia (@Tia_Arizona) September 5, 2019

Seems old Ted here thinks climate change will only effect the coast. pic.twitter.com/6KcQNG6JQK

— Winkle, Punching Up at Cardboard Cutouts(@WinkleBerns) September 5, 2019

For your own sake Senator Cruz, just stay off the internet.