The Problem With… Bruno Mars’ “Grenade”

I sorta get it: Bruno Mars is an innocent puppy who sees the best in women. He showed as much in his first single “Just the Way You Are.”

Well, checking back on that song, the title should have read, “Just the Way You Look.” Why? Because it focused mostly on the girl’s appearance. And let’s face it: Nine times out of 10, something bad is bound to happen when you only get into relationships based on looks alone.

And, uh, according to Mars’ latest single, “Grenade,” something bad happened. Instead of re-evaluating his devotion, these days, he only sees the worst in the girl.

Funny, ’cause that’s all I see in this song.

The track includes a drum-line tempo, suggesting something grand to come. And the chorus indeed delivers the grand emotion with those four cliché music chords and three “Yeah” calls from the backing choir.

But something occurs to me at the line “Smile in my face / Then rip the brakes out of my car”: Did he say she ripped, and didn’t cut, the brakes? Holy crap, dudes! Bruno had one really strong woman — even a rubber brake line is hard to “rip” by hand. And, know what? That’s kind of cool. If I were dating Supergirl, she could take any guy she wants into my bedroom. I wouldn’t dare complain to a girl who can rip me apart and beat me “black, black, black and blue.”

Bruno, though? Not so much. In this chorus, he details what he would do or suffer for this woman. But however brave or dramatic these acts are, they’re kind of unnecessary.

Here’s the thing: Showing devotion to someone is not about pulling Jackass-like stunts or worst-case scenarios — like, say, jumping in front of a train and taking a bullet to your brain. Even carrying a piano through a large city to a girl’s driveway — as happens in this video — seems excessive.

The film Say Anything… showed us that the line stops at holding a boombox playing Peter Gabriel over your head.Take the hint, Bruno.