I was leaving the Barnes and Noble after my usual weekly session of reading all of their magazines without purchasing anything when McAlister’s Deli caught my eye. It was the lunch hour and the place was pretty empty, but their menu had too much interesting stuff on it for me…

If there’s one thing you can get fast in Dallas, it’s food (if there are two things, they’re food and meth. Three? Food, meth and laser hair removal). And when it comes to fast food, boy, have we got options. Me: Hey Dallas, I know this is a crazy question,…

There are literally hundreds of places you can get yourself a burger in Dallas. So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that there’s a Back Yard Burgers restaurant right across the street from a McDonald’s, which is awesomely located in the 24 Hour Fitness parking lot. (“Want fries with that…

Mr. Goodcents is a sub sandwich chain with restaurants in nine states. Originally I thought that (plus the fact that the word “good” is in its name) meant it was gonna have good food. After the mouth-beating I got there from one of their weak-ass sub sandwiches, I kinda think…

The sign at Wok China that reads “No refunds. Exchange only” might scare away some diners, but not me. That was true especially once I saw that every entrée on the drive-through menu is $5.49, which gets you a nice healthy portion of the dish plus way more rice than…

Summer’s on its way, and that means it’s time to bulk up to fit into that bikini, ladies! That’s right, I’m talkin’ to you, skinny bitch. Last I heard, Abercrombie don’t make a size quad zero, so it’s time to shove some meat into that Skeletor face of yours—or you…

“No pets, shirt shoes required,” is my favorite sign inside Taco King on Park Lane. I’m pretty excited to go back without my cat and also without a shirt or shoes and order me up some tacos. Inside, it’s pretty sparse. One ceiling-mounted TV broadcasting the requisite telenovela with requisite…

Minutes it took me to decide what I wanted because there was so much good-lookin’ stuff on the menu count: 5 Minutes I waited for my food once I’d ordered it count: 3 You ever have one of those moments when you just feel like you’ve been living a lie?…

Galilee Grill TV count: 0 Kubbi I ate count: 32 Super buffets can be dangerous. They can be old-people-ridden. They can have room-temperature sushi next to room-temperature marshmallow barf Jell-O. They can include boobie dancers, sweat-panty lap dances and all-you-can-eat herpes. Or they can be so awesome that they make…

Yogilicious Some people count yogurt as a meal. I call those people shartfaces. They say shit like, “It’s good for you if you’re trying to cut calories,” and “It builds healthier skin!” Translation: “I’m so bulimic I just ate my own vomit and vomited it back up! I love being…

Firehouse Subs Fire pole count: 0 At Firehouse Subs, it’s clear that dudes decorated this place. They were like, “OK. Fireman theme. What says firehouse? Go!” and that’s when they came up with the Dalmatian-printed tables and hanging axes and multiple fire alarms on the walls because that totally goes…

Stroller count: 3 Dude count: 1 I heard that the chicken salad at Zoe’s Kitchen was The Shit, so I stopped by the Lovers Lane location to check it out. And when I got there, it was clear to me that I hadn’t been fully briefed on the dress code…

Eric Clapton to Vietnamese pop on the playlist ratio: 1:1 Ways I’ve pronounced pho wrong count: 250 Iheard about Lá Me recently, and after a quick visit to their Web site (which features tons of hot chicks on their patio), I decided to go. When I got there, though, I…

Pieces of chicken I ordered but did not eat count: 0 Glass wall between the chicken and me count: 1 Recently, a chicken place opened on Abrams Road right next to my favorite doughnut shop. And since chicken and doughnuts is my dream meal, I’d been waiting for it to…

Turquoise rings for sale in the restaurant count: 20 Free Three Wise Men bilingual storybook given to me on my way out count: 1 Driving back from Austin on Interstate 35, I saw a billboard that said, “Nueva Casita. Best Tex-Mex in Dallas.” I was like, “Damn Nueva Casita—that’s a…

Insanely short straw count: 1 Probably hookers count: 12 Thank you, Sal’s, for being a pizza and pasta place that has more than just pizza-by-the-slice as a lunch special. I’ve got nothing against the slice. The pizza at Sal’s is otherworldly. It’s made from raindrops on roses and whiskers on…

Tortilla chip bucket refill count: 4 Gallons of mouth-on-fire salsa consumed count: 2 Sometimes you just feel like eating something shitty good. Something you know is going to stick to your insides and probably shorten your life by just a little bit, but it tastes so good it’ll be worth…

Extra “e” in the name count: 1 Actual gazebo in the parking lot count: 1 I was having one of those “Can’t Decide What I Want for Lunch” days when I started to lose my mind because I was so hungry, but at the same time nothing I drove past…

Horseradish jar on my table count: 1 Beer bottles lining the wall count: 100 Five-liter bottle of Grolsch count: 1 I was selling all of my books, CDs and DVDs back at Half Price Books so I could afford to pay for the boob job I need to get if…

Lunch plate delivered to me at my table count: 1 Times my tea was refilled for me: 2 Actual waiters working in this establishment: 0 When asked what I’d like to have for lunch, never have I uttered the phrase, “Ooooh—ya know what I’ve really got a craving for? Salad!”…

Panic attack count: 1 Packed tables count: 12 When I’m feeling like eating a burger but I don’t want all that convenience and crappy quality that a fast food restaurant offers, I head on over to Chip’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers. I drove to their Cole Avenue location hyped up for…