Free valet that I didn’t feel bad not tipping count: 1 Minutes I had to wait before I got a table count: 10 When I want a good margarita, I make one. When I want great queso, I go to Mattito’s for their Bob Armstrong queso with its taco meat…
Real chopsticks (not the kind you get wrapped in paper) count: 2 People playing cards at the table next to mine count: 4 I_ thought Asian fusion restaurants with their full bars, their fancy plates, their presentation of food that makes it look beautiful but also makes the food close…
Awesome beard count: 1 Snooty Dallasites count: 0 With the economy in the shitter, it’s getting harder and harder for hard-working Americans to pay for the sweaty lap dances they deserve. I am honestly shocked that the whole lack-o’-lap-dance thing hasn’t been a bigger issue in the presidential debates. I…
Tongs count: 50 Skinny bitches count: 50 So, after a friend of mine gave me a hard time about never trying to find anything healthy for lunch for less than 10 bucks, I punched her in the face and then thought, “Ya know, Grandma, maybe you’re right.” I decided that…
SMUchebag count: 6-8 Really good lemonade count: 1 I was so in the mood for some cheap wings and waffle fries the other day; so I drove my car on over to the Pluckers on Greenville, parked among all of Mom and Dad’s hand-me-downed BMWs with SMU bumper stickers, and…
Mama Carol’s teeth count: 4 Overalls count: 3 My latest rule for how to spot a good place for lunch is that if the restaurant is an actual house, it’s gonna serve up some tasty food. The older the house, the cheaper the food. And if they offer curbside service,…
Toilets in the women’s restroom that are on a platform that makes you feel like your peeing onstage count: 1 Credit cards accepted count: 0 People ask why I’m such a cheap ass. They’re like, “Why do I have to pay for your lunch all the time, Alice?” and “How…
Parking in front of Naan Korean Grill & Sushi Bar isn’t free unless you drive a hybrid. They actually have meters in front of every primo spot in front of the restaurant (just like all the other establishments that are a part of the newish Watters Creek outdoor mall in…
Jalapeño ranch and salsa bar count: 1 Times I was amazed by how good crispy tacos could be count: 50 Urban Taco can suck one. A big fat one with a tattoo that says, “Mockingbird Station ain’t effin’ urban, and real tacos are big as yo’ face.” If you want…
At first glance, Dali Wine Bar & Cellar is a 7-Eleven. You drive down Routh Street, take a left at the 7-Eleven corporate offices sign and after a few seconds of, “Is this the right place?” you finally see Dali. Me plus three walked into Dali, ready to drink. Oh,…
Other people in line in front of me count: 10 Minutes before I got my food count: 5 I’ll say it. I love Wang. When I get a craving for Wang, nothing else will do. And yeah, it sucks that I have to pay for it in cash and that…
Single-serving bottles of Beringer on the counter count: 8 People in line in front of me count: 4 Hook Line & Sinker is the clogged artery in the heart of Uptown. And I mean that as a good thing. This beaten-down, piece-of-shit, Christmas-light-colored building is a total eyesore in the…
People eating fried whole catfish with tails and everything count: 4 Cop count: 3 When you’re driving around Dallas looking for a place to eat lunch on the cheap, you’ve gotta know what you’re looking for. If the place has fancy freakin’ awnings or a shmancy revolving door or a…
Times I got yelled at: 1 Slices I wish I had been able to eat: 40 I used to go to this place on Main Street called Café Ravenna, which served a nice slice and had a surprisingly large set of pasta options. It’s now called Ravenna Pizza & Bar…
Beer posters with boob girls on them count: 3 Creepy, anthropomorphized jalapeño with gloves on the menu count: 1 Known scientific fact: Mexican food is tasty shit. And it becomes even tastier in the summertime. So, when I saw the sandwich board outside of Galindo’s that read, “Beer Blow Out…
Fuddruckers-esque decorations count: a million and seven Patio count: 1 Sonics within a 2-mile radius count: 5 It’s summer, and it’s not too late to fit into that bikini, guys, so let’s go running in the 112-degree heat and work off some of that winter weight, right?! Or, let’s accept…
Buffalo head on the wall count: 2 Dishtowel napkin on my lap count: 1 Just down the street from Commerce’s burgerville, a nice little saloon just opened up. It’s run by the people who brought you the tastegasmic Twisted Root Burger, and it promises to be equally yummy at the…
Buffet rounds I survived count: 2 Chicken lo mein burps per hour after eating count: 142 Located right next to a DART rail station (which is obviously always a good sign), the Jumbo Super Buffet sits tucked away in a parking lot corner just seconds away from a funeral home…
Hot sauce packets I got with my order count: 10 Times I thought they might sell Canadian boner pills to me in a back room if I said the secret code word count: 2 When you walk up to Miss Chicken downtown on Elm Street, it looks like it might…
Tropicana Fruit Punch at the fountain count: 1 SMUchebag count: 5 Jersey Mike’s has a line out the door and zero parking. It also has a sub, drink and chips for less than 10 bucks, so I smoosh my Sucking Unleaded Vehicle into a motorcycle-sized spot and find a place…
Pig head shaped out of ground pork behind the meat counter count: 1 I went up to the counter in Jimmy’s Food Store, the lady asked me what I wanted, and I said, “I’ll take the Italian Stallion. 6-inch.” For a second I felt like I was ordering a man…
Tie count: 6 Diaper count: 2 Mom jeans count: 10 I was finishing the last three miles of my usual Wednesday 25-mile workout at LA Fitness, thinking about how it would really be worth it to get some fake boobs just so that I could hold my keys and my…
