Mike Anderson’s BBQ 5410 Harry Hines Blvd. 214-630-0735 Cow skins hanging on the wall count: 2 People I mistakenly thought were setting up a joke when they were actually just asking the question “What do you think the difference between a Sloppy Joe and a Sloppy Mike is?” count: 1…
Dollar Stores in the same shopping center: 2 Thrift stores in the same shopping center: 1 Other people with me who ordered the same food and had the same reaction: 2 Lesson: When you say, “I’d like the steak fingers,” and the waitress looks at you very seriously, and shaking…
Crabs cheersing beer on the menu directly under “juniors get 1.00 off any lunch item” count: 2 A/C unit out count: 1 So, what are you supposed to do when you simultaneously get the urges to punch and hug one of the waitresses at Joe’s Crab Shack as she halfheartedly…
Indian chief statue count: 1 Eclipse gum packages I added to my meal so I could pay with my debit card: 1 Giant yellow indoor picnic table count: 2 When I go out to eat lunch, I don’t want to have to order from a spiral-bound menu with a bunch…
Padded ledges counting as seating: 4 Times my stomach punched me for not ordering fresh-squeezed papaya juice: 20 million I know three things about Venezuela: 1) It began as a small town, and because Syesha Mercado told it that if it believed in itself, it could do anything, it grew…
Staff members with Bic pens jabbed into paper hats: 5 Minutes it took to find a parking spot within a three-mile radius: 10 As I walked into Bubba’s, I was so distracted by the wonderful smell of friedness that I barely got out the words, “I’ll have the Number Two.”…
Giant golden Buddhas: 1 Chopsticks: 0 I was at Preston and LBJ (mainly just to raise the ratio of adult people to small people in strollers, because I know that pisses off North Dallas) flipping off Chili’s like I always do on Wednesdays when I saw it: Scuba store? Hell,…
Months it’s been open: 2 Trophies made into paper-towel holders: 20 If Coach’s Burgers knows one thing, it’s how to name a burger joint. In this town, it’s tough enough picking out a cool restaurant name, but on top of that, half of the good ones are already taken. Can’t…
Brick building that’s falling apart count: 1 Hours I smelled like Mexican food after I left Herrera’s: 4 Herrera’s has fuckin’ good tortillas. And before you tell me that resorting to vulgarities is childish and lame, I say screw you, you’re wrong. (And, because I pre-empted your judgery with an…
People in the place at noon count: 6 Bike count: 2,000 million I got an e-mail a while back that I should check out Strokers Ice House on Harry Hines Boulevard. So, I looked up their Web site, and holy ta-tas, there are a lot of boobs there. I was…
Minutes I waited for my food in Steel count: 45 Things I ordered that required cooking count: 0 I drove with purpose. I saw the red “S” on the black awning, double confirmed that I was in the right place at the sight of a couple of ass-clowns in ass-clown…
Salad bar that must get passed up for fried goodies at least 1,000 times a day count: 1 Tie count: 4 Flip-flop count: 12 Seems like every restaurant has a mascot these days. Applebee’s has that ridiculously annoying talking apple (Wanda—please stop being an apple and go back to being…
Chicks slicing meat when I walked in the door count: 2 People in line count: 452 If there’s one thing I like to eat, it’s meat. (No matter how I rewrite that sentence it keeps coming out sounding gross, so you’re just gonna have to get your mind out of…
Giant American flag count: 1 Tiny Greek flag count: 50 Gyro (pronounced yeero and not jyro or guyro) is Greek for half-moon, soft taco-looking thing filled with yummy lamb. And when you’ve got a hankerin’ to eat lots of stuff you’re uncomfortable pronouncing aloud, Anton Café downtown delivers. I ordered…
Flat screen TV count: 1 Friendly behind-the-counter lady: 1 So, I was at the Dallas Central Library, totally engrossed in Jewel’s A Night Without Armor (an oldie, but a goodie) when I smelled the smell of fried wonderfulness for less than 10 bucks. It was grease without that nasty whiff…
No, the North Mississippi Allstars isn’t a sexual position. It’s a band. And if you haven’t listened to their Grammy-nominated shit, you should. If you’ve heard the album but never seen them perform live, you should make this the first to-do on your Being An Un-Lame-O Starting Now list. At…
You know what would spice up this presidential election? The Spice Girls should join the race to be President of the United States. If the Spice Girls were president, this world would be a better place and you know it. They’d be all, “So, tell me what you want, what…
Doors held open for me count: 2 Temperature of restaurant: 30 below zero with a slight chance of “holy crap my nose just froze off of my face” So, yesterday my stomach and I were having a debate about what I was going to eat for lunch. My stomach was…
Thriller movies are scary. But thriller books are scarier. At thriller movies, you can close your eyes when you get freaked out at the scary parts. Close your eyes while you read a thriller book and you just piss yourself off because you keep unintentionally re-reading the part about nasty…
People sitting in truck beds: 18 Motorcycles: 2 Times I wondered if someone would come to my car to take my trash or if I should just drive off with a tray attached to my car: 5 Have you ever seen the blinking lights of Keller’s Drive-In as you cruise…
There are plenty of ways to get a good cheap lunch in Dallas. You can use the old, “I paid last time.” You can sign yourself up for a homemade cold-cut guiltwich at Mom’s. You can yoink somebody else’s lunch out of the work fridge—there are countless options. But, I…
Lunch specials: too many to mention When you mosey into Woodway’s Café, your attention is immediately focused on the 50 million menus up on the wall. There’s the giant menu, there are letter-sized paper menus that hang from above the register listing specials and then there’s a white board with…
