Lunch special: Small cheesesteak combo with fries and a drink for $5.99, or Buffalo cheesesteak, fries and a drink for $7.50 Q: What does one do when faced with the choice between Buffalo wings and a cheesesteak? A: Buffalo cheesesteak, bitches. Why? Because instead of making difficult choices, I say…
Other places with the word Joe’s in their name near Joe’s Burgers count: 3 Watery ketchup packets received with my order count: 15 Sonic claims to be your “Ultimate Drink Stop,” and I do appreciate their ridiculous syrup selection and the fact that they have Sprite Zero—but where’s the beer?…
Babies are the scariest things on Earth. They shoot out of you all bitchy; they’re drunk all the time, pissing and shitting uncontrollably; and they’re totally selfish, greedy and rude. Are you qualified to take care of them? Should you even be allowed access to one of these angry vagina…
Travis Stork (of The Bachelor: Paris) decided that the M.D. after his name and his history of public skankitude make him perfectly qualified to write a book teaching women how to be better at being women. 7 p.m. Thursday, see Travis Stork sign his book Don’t Be That Girl at…
Lunch Specials: Two enchiladas, rice and beans for $5.75; two tacos rice and beans for $5.75; three tamales, rice and beans for $5.75; two 2 fajita tacos rice and beans for $6.75. Step 1: Drive to Deep Ellum. Step 2: Drive down Main Street past Monica’s Aca Y Alla. Step…
“Darlin'” count: 1,298 Homemade pies on the counter count: 5 Holy shit,” I mumbled, a mouthful of spicy fried chicken sandwich in my mouth, “this is fuckin’ stupendous.” No, I wasn’t at Wendy’s, you dumbass. I was scarfing down a sandwich and Texas fries (for a mere $9.64, and I…
Forget your Jenny Craig No-Carb South Beach diet and your Yogalates workout program at Gold’s Crunch Fitness Palace. Dr. Robert Huizenga (creator of the diet and exercise plan for NBC’s The Biggest Loser) is in town and he’s pushing a whole new way to get healthy. I’m guessing his book,…
Have you seen that place in the mall called The Art of Shaving? When I saw it, I thought, “Damn. That’s not something that should be in the mall. Talk about some seriously X-rated shit. What, do they shave hearts, spades and diamonds into it or something?” And then, I…
Question: What is the perfect way to dumb down music and film in one fell SkipperTM swoop? Answer: a ballet o’ boobs. At 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. Saturday, if you’re scared of The Arts, take your sheltered child to see a performance of BarbieTM at the Symphony performed by…
How are you ringing in 2008? With some ridiculously unachievable and unfun resolutions involving The Zone diet and wheat germ? You do that every year. Why not try something new and different? Like theater. Like theater with cross-dressing and thick Texas accents. At 8 p.m. Wednesday make your yuletide gay…
Lunch special: $5.25 buffet 7 days a week. As I was pointing and laughing at the bright orange Oompa Loompas who were leaving the B-Tan Tanning Superstore with their totally natural mid-winter radiation-kissed tan, my bitchiness made me hungry, so I walked next door to the Szechuan Chinese Restaurant, and…
At 8 p.m. Friday, see Oliver!, a musical based on Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist (In the book, an orphan boy teams up with a pick-pocketing orphan gang. Hilarity ensues when the bad guy clubs a lady to death. The musical is all of that stuff, plus music. It’s like Annie…
Lunch special: Cheese enchilada with meat sauce, beef taco, rice, beans and a drink, $7.95 Parking spots out front count: 4 Front door that makes them look closed even when they’re open count: 1 My New Year’s resolution is to stop going to restaurants in Dallas that blow. Next time…
Lunch special: Buffet $5.99 Water refills: 20 Plate refills: 20 A tasty food magnet drew my car to the “$5.99 Buffet” sign in front of Taj Express. And I would like to take this moment to thank that magnet for bringing the wonder and merriment of the Indian food buffet…
How did Wesley Clark not get elected in 2004? He was valedictorian of his class at West Point, he’s a Rhodes Scholar, and at this point, if the rest of his résumé just says, “Poop! Poop! Poop!” it’s still better than yours. He commanded forces in Kosovo (obviously the best…
I have great taste in music. It’s probably because of my rating scale, which is a thumbs up or a thumbs down based on one question: Has your band covered “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”? The correct answer, of course, being “Yes, I have covered ‘Santa Claus Is Coming…
Laps of parking lot required before you’ll find a spot count: 15 Chip varieties count: Bites left on your plate count: 0 I saw the Web video “2 Girls, 1 Cup” (do NOT look that up) and that made me feel like having some lunch, so I decided to check…
This Friday, Central Market will be completely out of whipping cream and butter. From noon to 2 p.m., skip your lame work lunch: Ina Garten is signing her Barefoot Contessa cookbooks at Central Market, 5750 E. Lovers Lane. And when the Contessa’s in town, may no dairy product live to…
This Friday, Central Market will be completely out of whipping cream and butter. From noon to 2 p.m., skip your lame work lunch: Ina Garten is signing her Barefoot Contessa cookbooks at Central Market, 5750 E. Lovers Lane. And when the Contessa’s in town, may no dairy product live to…
Lunch special: Hamburger, sweet potato chips and a drink for $9.46. Homemade root beer at the fountain count: 1 “Sofa King tasty” jokes count: 1 Paper towel holders hanging on the wall for you to use as napkins count: 58 Some days, I’m just hungry. But other days, my stomach…
I wonder if it’ll ever snow in Dallas this winter. Actually, I wonder if it’ll ever be winter in Dallas this winter. Either way, chicks will still wear their favorite fashionable wool coats outside when it’s 70 degrees. Is sweating in a coat the new “Lose 10 Pounds in 10…
This weekend, Santa’s showing up early. Like everyone else, he thinks we should skip Thanksgiving and start calling the day after Halloween “Christmas Eve.” He has nothing against the food binge that Thanksgiving provides, but he doesn’t count it as a holiday because it only makes shitty movies. To Santa,…
