Illicit teacher-student relationships are all the rage these days, whether it’s creepy pedo guys hitting on helpless teenage girls or hot MILFs sleeping with football players. Yawn. So cliché. Love affairs are on their way out, anyway. Tormented master and protégé relationships, however, are so hot right now, like in…
It’s fun to learn surprising, fun facts about people. Who woulda thought that playboy gazillionaire Bruce Wayne secretly liked to dress up like a bat and kick ass all night long? Or that mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent was from another planet? Or that Dina Lohan is not covered in a…
Hal Sparks is a man of many talents–rocking his man-itude on Queer as Folk, hosting Talk Soup and rocking out with his band Zero 1. He’s even able to add personality to the unspeakably lame lines doled out to him on VH-1’s various I Love The Whatnot programs. But most…
Despite appearances, the Ms. Texas Senior America Pageant, sponsored by Mature Texan magazine, is not a beauty pageant. How do we know? Because the Web site says so. Sure, they’ve got an evening gown competition, a talent competition and a “personal interview” portion, but just because that sounds exactly like…
When it comes to glorifying man-made means of transportation and feats of technology, the entire country of the United States of America serves as a pretty powerful altar to all that is great and good about human ingenuity. We celebrate our vast intellectual superiority by driving gas-guzzling Hummers at 90…
If it’s an American institution you’re looking for, don’t start with apple pie or the Smithsonian or Miley Cyrus. Ignore Chevy trucks, Toby Keith and Jack Bauer. There’s none more American than Helen Thomas, the legendary White House reporter who’s covered nine presidents since 1961, asking the tough and the…
Comedian Jimmy Pardo is handsome and suave. He’s appeared on That ’70s Show and has a Comedy Central special. Sadly, Pardo has also been labeled a “comic’s comic,” which means he’s unlikely to open with lamers like “Who’s married to a bitch?” or “What’s up with black people?” So if…
Line up at the buffet of news, kids, because we’re about to serve you up a heaping entree of extended food metaphors! Ask your waiter for a tall glass of grammar, ’cause we’ve got a lot to say in a little teaspoon of space. Ding, dinner’s done! What’s that smell?…
One fish. Two fish. Red fish. Blue fish. You’re a smart kid, bet you can figure out what rhymes there. Now try another. Seuss. Noise. Truce. Voice. Do what now? It surely can’t be that easy. “Seuss,” as in the good Dr., means to be paired with truce, no? No,…
Back in the day, travel was about jet-setting adventures or having all your oxen drown in the river. Today, we stress out about 3 oz. (or is it 8 oz.?) liquids, baggage charges and near-incompetent security. Our suitcases are carriers of anxiety, not excitement. It’s appropriate, then, that the new…
Laydeez, raise the terror alert to red and don your protective gear. Local authorities have identified a serious threat to your panties. Look out for Tom Jones, suspected leader of a known terror cell, the Panty Patrol (no confirmed affiliation with Taylor Hicks’ Soul Patrol, though they have similar M.O.s.)…
Ever since that Jackson guy started spilling his paint cans on canvases and calling it art, art itself has become harder and harder to figure out. Is the spilled orange juice on my bright red coffee table cause for Brawny, or ready to be sold for $25,000 to the DMA?…
Anyone who’s taken a leisurely 90-mph drive down Woodall Rogers Freeway recently has to have noticed the bajillion-dollar expansion of the Dallas Arts District. Sure, we’ll always be the Kennedy assassination site and home to J.R. to all the willfully ignorant boors of the world who still think everyone in…
If you’ve already got your tickets to Bill O’Reilly’s show (lecture? Passionate reincarnation of Satan himself? Bingo tournament?) at the Nokia Theatre this weekend, this article isn’t for you. Because chances are, you already know what you need to know about Bill O’Reilly, namely that he tells you want to…
Michael Jackson turns 50 years old this year. I know what you’re thinking: “But MJ doesn’t look 50.” And you’re right. Because in order to look 50, our dear aging King of Pop would have to look human, and it’s been a good long while since anything like that has…
Anyone who’s ever been on the wrong end of an attorney’s bill (to wit: not the money-receiving end) has wondered: What precisely am I paying for? Sometimes you know right off. Like if you’re paying Jim Adler, you’re paying for daily personal training so that Mr. Adler, Esq., can continue…
Twenty Wishes, Debbie Macomber’s new novel, is all uplifting because the characters in it make a list of the “wonderful things they hope to experience.” As a promotional contest, Macomber and her publisher are giving $10,000 away to the person who writes the best 50-words-or-less summary of their own wildest…
I’ll say three names, and you tell me what they’ve got in common. Or don’t, because if you do, you’re going to be the creep talking back to the alt-weekly paper, and the dude next to you at New Fine Arts might get the wrong idea. Anyway, here are the…
Let’s say you really like pizza, but you don’t like tomato sauce or cheese. So you order pizza without tomato sauce and cheese. If you’re still calling that piece of bread with pepperoni on it “pizza,” you’re a crazy person. Or maybe you love mammals, but not fur or things…
Whatever happened to good old middle class high schoolers getting bombed, having premarital sex and wearing ridiculous fashions? Whither the deviant nobody? These days, pop culture is filled with deviant somebodies whose parents (or handlers, or managers, or zookeepers, or whatever it is people who give birth in Hollywood these…
King Henry VIII was on the throne, working his way through Anne Boleyn on his wife-littered path to notoriety. The village of Scarborough, England, was under siege, not from power-hungry French or Spanish kings but from a virus of unknown origin. Without warning, entire families turned into zombies, gnashing at…
Remember the good old days, when Wes Anderson made quirky films that didn’t bleed indie-rock-noxiousness and feature gratuitous naked shots of bruised, be-socked Natalie Portman? When Jason Schwartzman looked like an actual nerd instead of a hip dude appropriating nerd chic? When you and your friends had to dress up…
