Mrs. Cratchit is such a slut. That woman obviously can’t keep her legs together, what with the 40,000 kids she’s crammed into the tiny Cratchit hovel. Of course, Bob Cratchit is no better. Are there no suitable ladies of the night willing to lie still for a shilling or two?…
Up-and-coming visual artist Tony Bones is looking forward to his next show at the Webb Gallery out in Waxahachie. Things have really started picking up for the 23-year-old in the past several months, with various incarnations of his trademark character—a stick figure with droopy hands—making appearances at local art galleries…
Penguins are the new black (and white). This Friday, the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History is hosting a full-on penguin celebration in honor of the IMAX version of the animated penguin flick, Happy Feet. The Happy Feet Dance Fest features tap-dance lessons and mini performances from the LaFeet…
Kinky, you let us down. You crapped up the gubernatorial debate by cracking off the same old tired witticisms. Then, with a week to go before November 7, you admitted there was no way to win but didn’t drop out of the race so that votes might instead be cast…
One sunny afternoon in the late ’80s, my mother was sitting in her blue recliner in the living room of our ranch-style house in Mansfield watching General Hospital. I toddled out of my room, intent on asking that woman the question that had been on my mind all day: “When…
Ask your mother what her worst nightmare is, and she’ll probably answer something to the effect of, “Waking up next to your father for 25 years.” Ask your daughter the same question, and she’ll probably say, “Turning out like you, hellbitch.” Based on these responses, you might realize that you…
Imagine the cutest possible thing you can think of. Imagine the smells, sounds and textures. Then, realize that whatever you’re thinking of is not nearly as cute as little orphaned baby animals wrapped up in donated fur coats simulating their lost mommies. That’s what the Coats for Cubs drive is…
With each passing day, American society slips farther and farther into the immoral, unscrupulous black hole of sin and depravity. Once, we were pure. Now, we are extending our obsession with sex to that most innocent of American institutions: man’s best friend. Now, we are insisting they woo us with…
If you have ever wondered what it’s like to walk in the company of dinosaurs, you can find out now at the Heard Natural Science Museum. Because of recent advances in science and technology, there will be real, live dinosaurs at the museum’s Dinosaurs Alive! exhibit. Featured dinosaurs include T-Rex,…
Artist Michael Mentler is an instructor at the Society for the Figurative Arts. Sounds like a place where you’d learn the finer points of doing really good-looking long division, right? It’s not. It’s all about learning to draw figures—something the artist does remarkably well. That’s reflected in his recent exhibit,…
Gezellig is the classy new import beer joint on Lowest Greenville, the strip of the avenue below Belmont. Outside the bar, a girl is standing on the sidewalk in her underwear: a white corset, black panties and thigh-high stockings. While other ladies on the strip are appropriating childhood characters such…
There’s not a lot to live for in this world, but fun holidays and cool accents are good reasons not to off oneself immediately. So when I’m sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, full of whiskey and self-hate, I like to remind myself of two things: Halloween and…
Few things make life more miserable than having to deal with a guest who has overstayed his welcome. (I’m lookin’ at you, Grandpa. Quit milkin’ that artificial hip and get back to the lonely days of staring at SpeedVision and the gardening channel, will you? I need my room back.)…
While Frank Campagna may be a pretty special guy, there’s not a whole lot that’s very special about knowing him. Is that a typical, backhanded Dallas Observer compliment? Hardly. The artist and gallery owner is just about one of the friendliest guys in town, and even if you’ve never shaken…
“BUY YOU A DRINK?” The good-looking stranger gestures toward the bartender, who looks up expectantly. What’ll it be? Beer? Martini? Background check? Probably not the latter, as public records are hard to come by in bars. Besides, finding out that someone’s on the national sex offender registry is, generally speaking,…
What could be more romantic than hanging out in Richardson on a Sunday, drinking tea and talking about people who can’t read? Throw in some kids with terminal illness and crumpets, and I’m ready for love. But seriously, folks, the Buns and Roses Romance Tea for Literacy featuring best-selling romance…
Some people think it’s sad that Romeo and Juliet died. So young, so dead. But does anyone want a drama queen like Juliet raising kids? They’d be all, “I want the Queen Elizabeth Barbie, NOW!,” and she’d be all, “I can’t take this whining. I’m gonna run over to my…
It was over a nice seafood lunch at Pappadeaux that I was introduced to the world of grills. The specially molded pieces of jewelry worn on the front teeth, popular among Southern rappers for years, were now hitting the big time: suburban malls, I was informed by my dining partner,…
A lot of things come to mind when people think of the Manhattan Transfer. (I know because I’m psychic and I can read minds. Quit dwelling on that woman in the coffee shop this morning, Steve.) Some people think about trains, hopping from New York City borough to New York…
Ballet fans love metal. The harder it rocks, the harder they pas de bourrée. Nothin’ says face-melting guitar solos like dudes in tight spandex with crotch bulges…wait. Um, actually, nothing does say face-melting guitar solos like dudes in tight spandex with crotch bulges. Rock out during the Contemporary Ballet of…
Looking for a great date night this fall? Sick of the same old dinner and a movie? Tired of getting hammered with your special someone at the same five bars over and over again and coming home to have the same drunken almost-sex before passing out in the kitchen on…
The lady with the lilac eye shadow laid on thick all the way to her eyebrows can only venture a guess as to what’s wrong with Gary. The gatekeeper to Hoots Honky-Tonk, she is perched behind a rectangular hole cut through a wooden wall, but she does not know precisely…
