Dear Readers: We begin, as we do each week, with cojones, although the huevos in question deal with my column a couple of semanas ago on why gabachos prefer the former term for testicles as opposed to the latter. I gave a rough etymology of the two (cojones comes from…

Dear Mexican: Why does El Tri act like pendejos every time the U.S. men’s national soccer team kicks their ass? They won’t even shake hands or exchange jerseys after the game, and they always act like the U.S. got lucky with the win, even though the Americans have destroyed Mexico…

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans at construction sites always draw a dick and vagina on the interiors of port-a-potties? They sure are not as poetic as they are artistic. Then you got the white boy reply, “Here I sit flexing a…” You should know the rest. —Original Schreck in Houston…

Dear Mexican: The mainstream media is making big noise of Sonia Sotomayor likely being the first Latina Supreme Court justice, and that all Latinos should be proud. But Puerto Rican ain’t Mexican! The Supreme Court won’t have a shade of brown until a Mexican is among Roberts and Scalia. What…

Dear Mexican: How can I get Mexicans to arrive to a meeting ON TIME? —Punctual Pete Dear Gabacho: Tell them you’re offering green cards on a first-come, first-serve basis. And then diles a gabachos to eliminate the concept of arriving “fashionably late” the way they did the Polish joke. I…

Dear Mexican: Why is it that ever since the United States/California let you people immigrate, tunnel, weasel or whatever into this country that nothing good has happened and/or come from it? California’s welfare program is burdened with low-life Hispanics. The prison system is 70 percent Hispanic, 45 percent gang-based. Real…

Dear Mexican: Looking back recently on my distant youth in northwest Ohio, I came to the realization that the sweetest, most beautiful girl this gabacho ever went out with (indeed, in my entire senior class) was the pure-blooded daughter of Mexican immigrants. Am I under the sway of 1) simple…

Dear Mexican: You once asked why Mexican bands don’t hit it big in the good old U.S. of A. I think the simple answer is that there are no Mexican Mouseketeers. You don’t get to be Justin Timberlake by picking a guitarrón. Slater from Saved by the Bell doesn’t count…

Dear Mexican: I write to you with a doubt similar to the one that Incensed in Chicago felt a couple of weeks ago, when her friend couldn’t believe that Mexicans worked in professional, white-collar jobs. I live in Tijuana, and of the gabachos that put roots here, you can’t find…

Dear Mexican: I was riding the local light rail when two female Mexicans sat down and started talking rapid-fire Spanish nonstop for 45 minutes! It seemed as if neither one stopped to take a breath of air. They were loud and could be heard the length of the train. Question:…

Dear Mexican: My question is simple: Can you please confirm the fact that there are doctors, lawyers and other professionals living in Mexico? I’m a Mexican-American woman living in Chicago who had a HEATED discussion about that topic. My friend, who is a teacher at a local school, was of…

Dear Mexican: My wife and I have an argument going on about pirates. And since you’re the source for all things Mexican, I thought I’d ask: While I know there were Spanish and Portuguese pirates back in the early 1600s and 1700s, were there ever any MEXICAN pirates? Not pirates…

My wife is from Michoacán state. We’ve bought a home in the small town of her birth. I love everything about the quiet little place. Even her mother is kind to me, as if I were her son. The food is incredibly good. The puerco is killed that morning and…

Is it true that most Mexicans are carriers of the swine flu because they eat a lot of chicharrones, or is it the fact that your women are so pig-like? I knew that Mexicans have muy shitty diets, but now we have to worry about them infecting us with a…

Dear Mexican: First of all, please don’t think that I’m a self-loathing Mexican; I was born in the United States to northern Mexican parents. As far as I know, my ancestry is just Indian, Spanish and a little French. For some strange reason, I have developed an intense fascination and,…

Dear Mexican: In an earlier column, you mentioned that conservatives can’t have an argument against illegal immigration without it degenerating into a diatribe against culture. Here’s an argument that has nothing to do with culture: In California, we now have a severe water shortage. I work for a municipal water…

Dear Mexican: For as long as I can remember, Mexicans have been known for doing three things: Drinking lots of cerveza, having lots of niños and saying “¡Ay, caramba!” While I can vouch for the first two, I’ve never, ever personally heard a Mexican utter those famous two words. Is…

Dear Mexican: Why are Mexicans so proud of the brutality of their police force? They seem to glamorize it in all their music and telenovelas. —Batons Are Bats, Or Super Oracles Dear BABOSO: I’ll let you know when Dirty Harry, Detective Sipowicz, Chief Wiggum and the producers of COPS get…

Dear Readers: In honor of April Fools’ Day, I’m turning over the column this week to those who think America can stop the Reconquista. Following are the winners of my challenge to Know Nothings a couple semanas back asking people to explain in 100 words or less how they can…

Dear Mexican: Why is it that when I go to the Mexican supermarkets to buy productos femeninas, fully 98 percent of the aisle provided for such things is composed of maxi pads and the limited selection of tampons are in dusty boxes with a sell-by date of 1986? I assume…