I’m really sick of talkin’ about sperm. I don’t wanna hear about it. I don’t wanna hear about people freezin’ sperm, savin’ sperm, bankin’ sperm, borrowin’ sperm, gettin’ sperm from their brother, donatin’ sperm, fightin’ custody battles over sperm, buyin’ sperm, sellin’ sperm, or otherwise doing anything with sperm except…

I think I’m the last person in America who doesn’t give one flyin’ flip about what he eats. “Why are you drownin’ those pancakes in syrup?” Is this a question? This is not a question. Do I have to answer this? “I can’t believe you’re puttin’ butter on that.” Why…

You ever know a woman who says, “It’s so nice to meet a guy who’s not a JERK”? Is this supposed to be a compliment? Isn’t this about like saying, “Your intelligence appears to be higher than a sea otter. That’s great.” When did being a non-jerk become a sign…

Have you noticed how many things can cause fistfights these days? I mean, things that used to be considered normal, and even polite, but now they’re grounds for fights, lawsuits and general ugliness. For example, the words “Excuse me.” “Excuse me” used to be what you would say if you…

The Fire Chief of New York City keeps trying to get permission to rip down all the fire-alarm boxes on the street–let people just dial 911 if they see a fire–but nobody wants to let him do it. Everybody thinks the city will burn down or somethin’. But listen to…

I just got kicked out of a hotel bar for smoking a cigar. I don’t mind so much gettin’ kicked out, ’cause it was a 15-dollar Bolivar and I managed to save it without havin’ to smush it out in an ashtray. But what bugged me was: there was nobody…

I have a question for the Lesbos. Is it possible to turn Lesbo? People talk about this all the time. They say, “Well, after that third divorce, she just went plumb lesbo on us.” Or they say, “She’s a lesbian, but she has a boyfriend. She’s just doing it ’till…

Well, the No-Smoking Nazis have reached the borders of New York City. There’s a lot of things you can say about New York City, but the one thing I always liked about the place is that it was the last place in America that respected smokers. Some of the office…

Why is every election between the Republican Idiot and the Democratic Idiot? And then if some third guy shows up, everybody says, “I can’t vote for him. He’s an idiot.” Why is the third guy always an idiot? He’s the only one who doesn’t have 150 years of history behind…

What is this Inner Child dealie? What are people talkin’ about when they say they need to “get in touch with my Inner Child”? I’ve been hearin’ this for several years now, and ever time I hear it I sit there like a goombah, pretendin’ I know exactly what they’re…

Ever once in a while some photographer or hiker or anthropologist or somebody finds a new “Stone Age tribe” living in Papua, New Guinea or Borneo or the Congo or the Amazon River Basin. A big article comes out in Time magazine, and somebody writes a book about how “gentle”…

A guy in New Jersey got hauled into court for whacking a rat with a broom handle. The charge: “needlessly killing a rodent.” The Goody Two Shoes Lobby: the Newark Humane Society. Welcome to the era of Rat Rights. I would think that, if any city would be happy to…