Let’s talk Pro Beach Volleyball. I’ve decided the universe can continue to exist without Pro Beach Volleyball. Baggy-shorts jerks in a sandbox, right? Not just baggy shorts. Purple baggy shorts. Aquamarine baggy shorts. With goggle sunglasses riding up on their foreheads like they were a bunch of four-eyed possums sponsored…
Have you ever heard this? “Best movie I ever saw in my life! It’s about this guy, and he goes to this place, and then a bunch of funny things happen to him, and then he escapes–but he doesn’t really escape–and then this really goofy old friend of his whom…
For some reason I wasn’t getting any action on my new, improved personal ad for the ’90s. “Chain-Smoking Couch Potato, 35 (but looks 55), card-carrying NRA member. Hates to laugh but loves to drink pina coladas on a bass boat while watching you scuba dive. Seeking morose, big-breasted, bisexual lesbian…
Only in California. People keep getting kicked off the O.J. jury for “planning to write a book.” First of all, what difference does it make? Nine million people a day decide their life is so danged fascinating they’ll write a book about it, but none of them ever actually do…
Let’s face it. What’s the No. 1 reason for bar fights in America? It’s the following words: “What are you looking at?” And we know what he’s looking at, right? He’s looking at a female. And the female is with a guy. And any other guy who looks at, talks…
I’m gonna start selling this new flag. It has 49 stars and 12 stripes on it. This is gonna drive the cops crazy, not to mention the Newt Nuts who are about to clutter up the Constitution with a don’t-torch-the-flag amendment. Just think. We can load up about a thousand…
The city of Bellevue, Wash., is trying to force Papagayo’s Cantina–which, by the way, is an excellent topless bar if you ever get up that way–to make its stage “wheelchair-accessible.” In case any handicapped topless dancers decide to buy G-strings. Let me pause here for a moment so you can…
If you’re gonna make a gorilla flick, the gorilla’s got to party down. The gorilla’s got to do something. It’s either got to eat people, or else run around solving their problems. It’s got to be either a capitalist gorilla or a communist gorilla. There’s no such thing, in the…
Bob “Ho-Hum” Dole can’t even come up with any NEW reasons to hate Hollywood. He could have written that speech in 1909. All these goldurn violent movies like Natural Born Killers are destroying our young people. All these goldurn sexy movies like Basic Instinct are corrupting our libidos. I guess…
Have you heard this one? “Maybe if we have a baby, the marriage will get better.” So lemme get this straight. You’re takin’ a couple of people who are arguing every day about how much money to should spend on a pair of high heels, or whether the orange juice…
I used to think that all the Madison Avenue guys who make commercials were pretty dang clever. I remember all those movies starring Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon where the advertising writer is really more brilliant than his job demands, and someday he’ll write the Great American Novel. And some…
Has there ever been a cop show on TV where the witnesses cooperate with the cops? Has this ever happened? I was watching “Law and Order” the other day, and they were investigating a rape, and every person they talked to would say, “I don’t know nothin,” or “I don’t…
Have you seen these “Choose To Dee-Fuse” commercials? They have a bunch of gangsta rappas hangin’ out in The ‘Hood. One of ’em gets shoved, or dissed, and two guys double up their fists–and then an announcer walks into the picture and says, “Violence is not cool. Choose to defuse.”…
Why do people on the witness stand lie about stuff that doesn’t even matter? “Isn’t it true, Mr. Mossfelt, that before you identified this man as the thief, you were complaining that your contact lenses were dirty?” And all Mr. Mossfelt has to do is say, “Yeah, they were dirty.”…
How come all the people who defend porno act like they hate porno? You ever notice this? There’s always some guy in a corduroy coat, the professor of institutional mediocrity at Wyoming State Technical Institute, and he’s being interviewed by Dick Cavett or William F. Buckley or somebody. He says,…
I’ve tried credit cards. I can’t do it. I get a little surprise in the mail every month, and when I open it, I go, “I did not spend 700 bucks on phone sex. I know it wasn’t a penny over 650.” I’ve tried checking accounts. After one week, I…
Maybe you’ve been in a bookstore or a cappuccino shoppe lately and heard a Catholic religious service going on through the Muzak. This is not a mistake. They’re playing this stuff in singles bars. It’s weird. You got these monks in black hoods, chanting like automatons, as part of the…
This week I’m wondering why those fat, cow-faced husbands on “Oprah” never defend themselves. You know the guys I’m talking about? They bring out some chunky, ticked-off Jenny Craig dropout with a lab experiment on her head resulting in Blonde Meltdown, and she says, “Oprah, I found out he was…
How come cops always stomp all over the crime scene? How come, every time you watch a criminal trial, there’s some cop who drops a glob of potato salad on the bloody footprint, or leaves the fingerprint cards on the dashboard of his Chevy Nova and burns ’em up, or…
Women are Now. Men are Later. Women wanna talk about it now. Men wanna talk about it later. Women wanna go out to eat Tonight. Men wanna go out to eat Tomorrow. Women wanna go to the beach when they Feel Like It. Men wanna go to the beach when…
This guy got his head cut off by an elevator in the Bronx. Did you hear about this? The guy’s gettin’ off the elevator, it starts to go up real fast while the door is still open. The guy loses his balance, leans toward the elevator, and it cuts his…
Okay, I’m gonna describe this woman. She’s got fluffy blonde hair–teased, permed, and coiffed–about $300 worth. She’s got a straight nose, thin lips and large bedroomy eyes. She wears tiny pearl earrings and a simple pearl necklace that hangs down onto a tanned neck and chest. Her dress is classic–either…
