Voting in the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards continues apace, except I don’t really know what “apace” means. Anyhow, you still have time to vote. The only requirement is that you’ve seen at least 60 of the year’s grade-B exploitation releases. The number is so high because we know you’re gonna…
Here we are again. It’s time for the 1996 Drive-In Academy Award nominees. I know you’re thrilled. The coveted Hubbie will be awarded in early April, and once again there are no duplications between the Hubbies and those other Academy Awards that they give out at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion…
Every actor wants to be a drunk, and every actress wants to be a hooker. I don’t know why exactly, but I know you can take the straightest white-bread suburban nerd out of an acting class and say, “Hey, how would you like to play a crack-addicted serial killer?” and…
Ever since Queen of Venus, there’s been something about outer-space women wearing pointy hardware on their chests that just brings out the appreciation of cinema in its purest form. But in Caged Heat 3000, the finest futuristic women-in-cages exploitation movie ever made in Tijuana, Cassandra Leigh does more than just…
There are many ways to get nookie at a drive-in, and some of them are legal. But the best way to execute the art of autoerotic suggestion is to pay good money for a flick that has proven to be so irresistible to women that sometimes just the title alone…
Am I the only person on the planet who’s watched all four Body Chemistry movies, including the one where Morton Downey Jr. has sex while making animal noises? Naw, let’s assume there’s two of us–me, and a paraplegic channel surfer in Boise. You guys can call him if any of…
If you’re watchin’ a movie and you see a guy droolin’ over a porno magazine, you already know the guy’s complete character description, right? He’s a serial killer who hates beautiful women. Or if you see a guy hangin’ out at a topless bar in a movie, he’s automatically a…
Our topic today is the Woman of Easy Virtue. Bless her little heart. I’ve been hearin’ a lot lately about the big bad Womanizer. Oooooooooooo, what a piece of scummy crud he is. We’ve got Congressional Womanizers, Big-Business Womanizers, Showbiz Womanizers and, of course, the old-fashioned Traveling-Salesman Womanizer. These are…
All right, that’s enough. Let’s stop stealin’ one another’s football teams. I was just gettin’ used to the Carolina Panthers, for God’s sake, and the Jacksonville Jagwires, and now they’re expecting the words “Nashville Oilers” to come out of my mouth? Heck, I still can’t say “Indianapolis Colts,” much less…
Today I wanna pay tribute to all the guys who are in love with ugly girls. The best thing about them is that they never know the girl is ugly, so it saves the rest of us from a lot of embarrassment in later life. She’ll never find out that…
I have a question about singers: How come they use a microphone when they’re singin’ in a place the size of a Salvation Army bathroom? I mean, you’re sittin’ about four feet from this chantoose and she starts wailing away into about 70 tons of sound equipment until the little…
Remember last year when Time and Newsweek both decided to put Marriage on the cover? Marriage Is Back! Marriage Is Groovy! People are Getting Married! And then you read through these articles to try to figure out what the heck they were talkin’ about, and they said things like, “Lewis…
How do you spot the people in the office who are indulging in Happy-Hour Nookie? Of course, we all know the answer to that one: The ones who never speak to each other in the office. The reason you can’t talk in the office if you’re in the middle of…
Is it my imagination, or are there a whole lot of little kids gettin’ medicated every day? I hear about this drug Ritalin all the time. “Yeah, my kid’s on Ritalin. He was so hyperactive we had to give it to him to calm him down.” And you go: “Wow!…
I have a question. Whatever happened to the 40-hour work week? Didn’t we fight for, like, a hundred years to force all the greedy capitalists to give us a 40-hour work week so we could have all this hammock time we needed? I don’t know anybody who works 40 hours…
You ever go to one of these groovy tourist towns like Santa Fe, N.M., or Sedona, Ariz., or Eureka Springs, Ark., where they sell genuine folk-art paintings of cows wading through a stream and necklaces with turquoise roosters painted on ’em? Wouldn’t you expect some 85-year-old Ozarks lady with wrinkly…
I have a question about “women’s studies.” Did you know you can get a Ph.D. in this? You can basically spend your whole life at a college proving how the reason the world is all screwed up is that there are too dang many men in it. People go to…
“Did you have a good flight?” Why do people say this? I hate it when people say this to me. What’s a “good flight”? You get on the airplane, the airplane doesn’t crash–that’s a good flight. Does somebody really wanna hear about the frozen Three Musketeers ice cream bar they…
I went out to El Lay last week and, for the first time in my life, I felt nekkid without a cellular. I actually wanted to hold a cellular in my hand. I went to lunch with three guys at one of those restaurants with a veranda where you can…
I get these catalogs all the time from big-deal art museums like the Metropolitan in New York and the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, and they wanna sell me art to either wear on my body or put on top of my TV set. And these are not SMALL…
There are two kinds of laws–Mom Laws and Dad Laws. Mom always wants to regulate, control and pass laws about every single second of human existence. Mom Laws are rules like, “Never go out without a muffler, even if you’re in a hurry.” Or “Never make anybody feel bad, even…
“What an actor that guy is!” “She is such a little actress!” When people say stuff like this, they usually mean, “What a liar!”‘ And this is a little annoying–especially if you’re an actor. Because I know a lot of actors, and they spend all their time, every day, thinking…
