You ever get advice like this? “Gee, that’s a horrible story, Joe Bob. You should prob’ly just swear off women entirely.” That makes you feel great, doesn’t it? It’s sort of like hearing, “You seem to be a toxic individual. Everything you touch turns to dog doo-doo.” I mean, you…

Why is it that the people on airplanes who look like they have no jobs are always the ones who have to get off the plane immediately to get somewhere? Check out the guy with the six-day growth of beard carrying a paper sack full of greasy buffalo wings. As…

Here it is, the review you’ve all been waiting for, the one in which Joe Bob compares Striptease (estimated budget, 40 million bucks) to Stripteaser (estimated budget, 40 bucks). Guess which one’s better. You already know, don’t ya? Striptease stars Demi Moore, who received $12.5 million for her performance and…

Once again, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into a crisis situation, so I am announcing the winners of the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one week early. The late announcement this year was believed to be hampering peace efforts in both Bosnia and the Golan Heights, as otherwise…

I have a question about Twister. You know those little plastic thingies with whirlybirds on ’em that they throw up inside the tornado funnel at the end–the things that look like they’re prizes out of a gumball machine? We’re all supposed to feel great, right, because Bill Paxton and Helen…

Have you ever noticed that, when the media do interviews, they almost always ask questions about… a) things that happened 30 years ago and don’t matter anymore, like why the Beatles broke up, or b) stuff that nobody wanted to know in the first place, like what Henry Kissinger’s favorite…

So far this summer, we’ve lost only 849 lives in Texas boating accidents, and I think that’s a real credit to the new Alamo Plastic Speedboat Propeller, which often maims instead of killing. One reason Texas lakes are so much safer this season, I would have to say, is due…

“I give great massages.” You ever know a girl who says this? When a guy hears this, something inside the male body goes, “yeeeeeeeessssssssssssss!” Seventeen thousand neurons rush through the nervous system and plant a flag on Mount Everest, if you know what I mean, and I think you do…

Stephen King embarked on a new project recently–The Green Mile, a serialized novel that he’s publishing in short monthly paperback installments. Luckily for King, he’s having much better luck with this new venture than with an earlier “first,” his directorial debut, which I reviewed a while back. Maximum Overdrive is…

While nothing can come close to duplicating the inimitable Drive-In experience, going to the videotape is the next best thing. I heartily recommend these classics–true Drive-In material–for every home library: * I Spit On Your Grave: This flick is considered “the most disgusting movie ever made” by Ebert the Wimp…

Sho Kosugi is the best kung-fu man since Bruce Lee. Forget Jackie Chan. Forget Jet Lee. Forget Bruce Lei, Bruce Li, Bruce Lea, and Bruce Leigh. It’s no wonder that they’re giving Hong Kong back to the Commies. They haven’t turned out a world-class thwacker since 1974, when Bruce’s head…

Vida Stegall threw all my stuff out on the lawn last week and refused to gimme my dog back just because I failed to mention I was having the occasional date with Cherry Dilday. It’s one of those woman things. They just never understand that men forget stuff. I just…

Today’s lesson is on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. No matter how many times I’ve talked about this flick before, you guys still expect me to take time out from serious drive-in reviewing to go rehash all the Saw trivia just because you missed it the first time. So now I’m…

The scariest thing you’ll ever find in a flick is not a goo-faced, bug-eyed monster and it’s not Freddy Krueger or Jason or Leatherface and it’s not a bunch of skinheads with razor blades. The scariest thing you’ll find in a movie is the Psycho Hag. The Psycho Hag is…

There are certain names on a video box that just cry out: “Rent me! Rent me! Rent me!” I guess for some people it’s Mira “Thank You, Daddy” Sorvino, but for me there’s nothing like a good Brigitte Nielsen video. Will she have hair? What color will it be? Will…

Have you noticed how there’s been a backlash against the use of stunt breasts? Guys are deciding that they’re not that crazy about artificial breastskis anymore. There are only so many Silicone Sacs you can look at before you go: “You know what? I knew this girl who had breasts…

First came topless dancing. Then came table dancing. (This doesn’t mean the tables dance, it means the girls dance on your table or at your table, even though sometimes the table is more attractive than the girl.) Then came couch dancing. And couch dancing begat lap dancing. I think the…

What is this deal with three people in bed? I’ve reviewed at least 10 movies in the last two years in which people are aardvarking around in weird combinations, making the sign of the triple-snouted octopus with so many arms and legs flopping around on the bed covers that you…

I recently made up with my girlfriend, Cherry Dilday–for the 37th time–and we were on our way to catch One Night Stand at the triple-screen Astro Drive-In on Loop 12 in Dallas. I was thinking how it was really weird that nobody has ever used the title One Night Stand…

Henceforth, herewith and therefrom, we have the final week of Drive-In Academy Award nominations. Yay, saith the Lord, there are too many Hubbies. If you haven’t voted yet, I don’t wanna hear about it. Just get to work. OK, gimme the envelope. The You’ve-Made-Too-Many-B-Movies Award * Adrienne Barbeau, Bram Stoker’s…

I always wanted to use the word “penultimate” in a sentence, and this is the penultimate week of the 1996 Drive-In Academy Award nominations, better known as the Hubbies–the only awards that never honor Emma Thompson under any circumstances. And the nominees are… Best Geek Acting * Penny Arcade, Hellroller,…

It’s Ladies Week in the ongoing announcement of the 1996 Drive-In Academy Award nominees, and somewhere in this column you will find our favorite Hubbie category (as if I have to tell you which one that is). Get out your pencils, and gimme the goldurn envelope. Best Actress * Maria…