How do you make the water stay in the bathroom sink? You may think this is a stupid question, but take it from a man who’s stayed in hundreds of motel rooms–it’s IMPORTANT. Here’s how they want you to THINK you make the water stay in the bathroom sink: By…
What are the five most horrifying words a man can hear at holiday time? You already know, right? “Take me to ‘The Nutcracker.”’ Why do we always PRETEND we wanna do this? Why do we sometimes even convince OURSELVES that we really do wanna go watch the Dance of the…
Wanda Bodine opened up a Smell Store last week. It’s this little shop in the mall where she sells stuff that emits AROMAS. Smelly oils, smelly herbs, smelly candles, smelly dried-flower arrangements, smelly clumps of pine bark you’re supposed to stick on your desk at the office so that you’ll…
Every time I try to play poker in peace, like God intended, Cherry Dilday starts screaming: “I wanna go! I wanna go! I wanna go!” There’s a reason why women have been banned from poker games since the beginning of time. Lemme splain it here for you. First of all,…
Have you seen these shows on ESPN 2 where some guy rides a tricycle off a cliff, does a triple-reverse upside-down back flip, free falls toward a raging white-water river, opens his parachute, grabs a tree limb on the way down, hooks his ankles into a bungee cord, dunks his…
So I was checking into this motel room in Galveston with Vida Stegall–don’t even ask, I don’t wanna go into it–and as soon as I flipped on the light switch, she starts complaining about how everything is “not right.” “This room is not right,” she says. And I’m looking at…
Did you see where the Canadians blew up a decommissioned warship so that it would settle at exactly the right place on the bottom of the ocean? They wanted it to be right next to the other ships they’ve already sunk in the waters between Vancouver Island and the mainland…
I’ve been watching a bunch of hippie movies from around 1968 to 1973, and I’ve noticed that almost all of them have at least one scene of longhaired, bell-bottomed Disaffected Youths yelling like idiots at a public meeting. It could be a meeting of Army generals or a city council…
Have you noticed how closing times at bars get earlier and earlier? What’s going on here? Certain cities and states now have bars that close at midnight, just like in Communist countries like Sweden. Didn’t we already find out in the 1920s what happens when you monkey with a man’s…
What used to be the two most boring words in the history of the English language? “Mutual funds,” right? What does everybody wanna talk about at parties in the ’90s? Mutual funds, right? Everybody’s buying mutual funds. People who can’t divide nine by three are buying mutual funds. People who…
This First Wives Club stuff is gettin’ scary, isn’t it? What’s the rallying cry of First Wives Club? “Don’t get even–get everything!” Right? Every married man’s worst fear. What we’ve been saying all these years. It’s a money thing, isn’t it? Every ex-wife turns into George C. Scott in the…
All right, girls, either be lesbos or don’t be lesbos, but make up your goldurn minds. You know what I’m talking about? I must know 30 women out there who go back and forth–homo and hetero. One week they’re making the Sign of the Twelve-Humped Anaconda with a Wal-Mart stock…
How come any time you meet a new gal who might be willing to have sex with you, every other woman you know can smell that she’s in town? They don’t know her name. They don’t know where she came from. They just suddenly know that there’s a possibility you…
I was asking my buddy Rhett Beavers which was better–to kick your girlfriend out of the trailer house, or to get kicked out of the trailer house. I say, “Get kicked.” Much cleaner. You’re on the road five minutes later. If she ever sues you, you’re the victim. And, most…
Last week I decided it was time to update my personal ad. I think it had something to do with Wanda Bodine telling me that I was “the kind of scumball that no sane woman would ever date.” First I tried my usual flat-out lies: “Michael Bolton-lover likes trips to…
Going immediately to No. 1 on my Best of ’86 List was David Cronenberg’s drive-in masterpiece remake of The Fly, which was even better than the one Dave had already clocked in the Drive-In Hall of Fame, The Brood. What we got here is the same story as the 1958…
Lately quite a few people have been calling me a “greasy yahoo redneck” or a “greasy redneck yahoo” or, for those who didn’t graduate eighth grade, a “jerk.” It feels good. I thought I’d lost the touch. It’s been years since I’ve gotten good, solid American hate mail, which always…
Has this ever happened to you? You’re watching one of the 347 cable boxing matches of the week. Let’s say it’s a match between Louie “Hammerhead” Santini and Frankie “Frank” Franklin. The announcer says: “Santini is wearing the diamond-checked trunks with gold trim and black piping. Franklin is wearing the…
Today’s topic is The Phantom Boyfriend. I didn’t wanna talk about this. I really didn’t. But modern feminist propaganda has driven me to defend the male species. What’s the No. 1 complaint of women in the ’90s? “All men are liars.” How many times have we heard this in, like,…
This is the time of year when Heifer Women insist on wearing white shorts that look like they were designed for Sumo wrestlers. What’s going on with this? Entire Wal-Marts are filled with human beanbag chairs stuffed into the kind of sportswear that only looks good on Gabriela Sabatini. In…
What are the seven most dreaded words in the history of civilization? Of course, you know what I’m talking about. “I need to talk about the relationship.” Wanda Bodine was on me about this last week. She left it on the answering machine. After a three-day drunk in Mexico, I…
Have you noticed that the only people who know how to do anything are from other countries? These two Armenian brothers are the only guys I’ll let work on my car. I can never pronounce their names, so I refer to ’em as the Skinny Goofy One and the Stocky…
