Don’t judge SMU’s basketball season by what happened on the court. Rather, go by what’s happening a couple hundred feet below it. “That hole in the ground,” says first-year coach Matt Doherty, “is the future of our program.” No, smartass, it’s not a mass grave reserved for the latest crop…

This shit’s crazier than Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows. I mean, there is a pre-game show, albeit hosted by failed Roy Firestone successor Chris Connelly. No. 1 Lakers fan Jack Nicholson is in the crowd alongside Sports Illustrated cover girl Beyoncé. And hostess Ellen DeGeneres seems to be wearing Michael Irvin’s garish…

Hmm, let’s see. How shall I put this? Delicately? Politically correct? Or, better yet, just say it like it needs to be said: Dwyane Wade, shut the fuck up! Since karma is indeed a basketball junkie, the Miami Heat guard with the misplaced “y” in his name and the misguided…

Four minutes. That’s how long it took new Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips to accomplish what his predecessor couldn’t in four years. Namely, make us all feel comfortable. Relaxed. Like we’re somehow connected, if not on the same team. “Feels good to have these cowboy boots back in Texas,”…

I am not in a baseball mood. Last day of January. Super Bowl week. A dreary 32 degrees. Gray skies are spitting snowflakes around Arlington’s Ameriquest Field, coffin to one of Major League Baseball’s longtime cadavers. Cold day, meet hell. Hell, meet… “Beautiful day!” shouts the revival evangelist dressed in…

The NHL’s All-Star Game has come and gone. So, too, has Dallas’ fascination with hockey. The mid-winter classic arrived last week disguised as an enigma: At once a crowning achievement on 15 years of grass-roots growth and a humbling reality check for a sport skating more toward thin ice than…

Bill Parcells is gone. And I know his replacement: Bill Jones. When Parcells went into hiding after the Dallas Cowboys’ season-ending loss in Seattle, it was the long-time metroplex TV sports personality who jumped into the head coach’s seat for the final two tapings of Channel 11’s Cowboys Huddle. “I…

Let’s see, um, Cheech Marin? Ron Jeremy? How about ol’ Caligula? Gotta find somebody fitting to present Michael Irvin at the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Because ready or not, Canton, here he comes. “I’m on pins and needles,” the former Dallas Cowboys receiver says Monday after a couple weekend…

Thank you, Tony Romo. For an imperfect end. To a perfect season. Sure, the quarterback/holder’s Seattle slip cost the Dallas Cowboys a late lead in last Saturday’s playoff game against the Seahawks. But that’s it, nothing more. Were you watching the game? Were you watching the last month? Even if…

Wanna hear the worst idea since Saddam Hussein’s kinfolk got him a tie for Christmas? The city of Dallas is spending $50 million to renovate a lame-duck stadium. Unless you’re a nearsighted, closed-minded, sports-oblivious politico, you know the Cotton Bowl’s present is almost history because its future resides not in…

T.O. must go. Because the only justification for stomaching Terrell Owens is a championship. And, after another egregious home loss in which their egocentric receiver dropped another key pass, the Dallas Cowboys aren’t going to win the Super Bowl. Selling your soul to Beelzebub for an NFL title is a…

Suhhhhhnnnaaaap! With a bold, brilliant pop of its fingers, the University of North Texas placed its football program in good hands. Great hands. Skilled, innovative, virtuoso hands. Todd Dodge’s hands. “I believe we can win, win consistently and win big here,” Dodge said to a beaming, buzzing Mean Green Athletic…

All he wants for Christmas is his two front feet. You’d wish for that too if, like 2-year-old Micah Diffee, you were born with disfigured legs bent backward and twisted like pretzels, the soles of your feet pressed against your bottom. “By far the toughest thing I’ve ever gone through,”…

Martin Dramatica’s Miracle in The Meadowlands notwithstanding, there lives a man capable of instantly and permanently solving the Dallas Cowboys’ kicking quandary. Unfortunately, Steve Hoffman now works for the Atlanta Falcons. “I still have the utmost respect for the Jones family and the Cowboys, but I’ve got my own kickers…

Anna Kournikova grabbed my balls. Relax. It was for charity. Some aspire to climb Mount Everest, facilitate world peace or concoct a beer-flavored cure for the common cold. Me? I just want to hit on the hottest human ever to pick up a tennis racquet. And have her hit back…

Before the game we get Kelly Clarkson. At halftime it’s Carrie Underwood. And if the Dallas Cowboys are interested in a female mascot for Thursday’s annual Thanksgiving Day game at Texas Stadium, they should reach out to Anna Nicole Smith. Too imbalanced to fully embrace yet too tempting to totally…

Late Sunday night in Portland, Jarrett Jack dribbled up the floor against your Dallas Mavericks. The second-year guard barked out a play for the Trail Blazers, initiating a pick-and-roll on the perimeter. Back in Dallas, Mavs fans that hadn’t yet tuned out their team’s 0-4 start were treated to a…

Brace yourself, Tony Romo also has a publicist. But unlike Li’l Kim Etheredge, Terrell Owens’ monstrosity of a mouthpiece, Vivian Fullerlove doesn’t smack her gum, use her client’s salary as a grossly misguided punch line or, from all indications, get her hair did at Salon de Katrina. In fact, Fullerlove…

So, you wanna piece of Marty Turco? Have a seat. Down the hall, hang a left into the Dallas Stars players’ lounge. Back there, past the P.F. Chang’s spread and the Super Chexx bubble hockey game. Go ahead, plop down in one of those plush black leather chairs. Kick back…

Like two shits passing in the night, Dallas Cowboys quarterbacks of sudden past and temporary present take turns getting humiliated. If nothing else, Monday’s 36-22 implosion against the New York Giants confirms three certainties: 1. The Cowboys’ quarterback of the future is not on their roster. 2. The Cowboys’ quarterback…