Didn’t even know Dean Karnazes was in town did you, fat ass? I’m talking to you, Mrs. Gawd-I’m-sitting-in-the-Starbucks-drive-thru-for-19-minutes-waiting-for-two-muffins-and-a-triple-latte-prayin’-I-make-it-home-for- The-View. And you, Mr. I’m-stopping-for-a-dozen-wings-and-a-pitcher-of-beer-but-I’ll-text-you-later-from-my-BlackBerry-before-nestling-into-the-butt-groove-of- my-couch-for-three-hours-of-pizza-‘n-Cowboys. Damn, people. Y’all are so busy having seconds and helping Dallas to fourth on this year’s Men’s Fitness list of America’s fattest cities you don’t even…

Avery Johnson went to Africa. Jason Terry to the Bahamas. Mark Cuban went into hiding. And, in the agonizing aftermath of the Dallas Mavericks’ collapse in last summer’s NBA Finals, Celia Barshop almost went crazy. “I was vilified,” says Barshop, “and I never even stepped foot on the court.” Don’t…

Not that we need much help, but Terrell Owens brings out the worst in all of us. T.O. turns us into baffled skeptics grasping at guesses. Right, fans? After an unprecedented Dallas Cowboys week featuring a clogged throat, sliced thumb and trampled face, Owens raised the most compelling questions. Considering…

This much we know after yet another disappointing baseball season: Saturday Night Live reruns are way funnier than Texas Rangers reruns. Wanna see shortstop and All-Star Game MVP Michael Young giggle? Turn on SNL’s “more cowbell” skit before last Sunday’s home finale against the Cleveland Indians and watch him double…

Each weekend night the Mesquite Championship Rodeo is interrupted by a short drama, the script of which reads something like this: Act I: Bull. Act II: Shiiiiit!!! “Those guys have a screw loose,” says Darren Robertson, taking a sip of Monster energy drink while taking a shot at kamikaze cowboys…

Since Bill Parcells won’t, let me be perfectly clear: Drew Bledsoe’s three-interception pratfall in Jacksonville last Sunday did not create or ignite this Dallas Cowboys quarterback controversy. Neither did those damned media. Duane did. How’s that, you ask? Harken back to January 1 and recall what Duane “Bill” Parcells didn’t…

Sure enough, he’s a problem. The Dallas Cowboys awarded him that monstrous contract in the off-season for this? A mysterious injury that kept him sidelined most of preseason. The insufferable ego that has him resting on his résumé and shrugging off mistakes. A wobbly relationship with coach Bill Parcells. And,…

They kicked his ass out of New York, muttering about “deteriorated skills.” So we red-carpeted his assets to Dallas, longing for a good fight. Evander Holyfield’s second-round technical knockout of Jeremy Bates last Friday at American Airlines Center will someday lead to his unprecedented fifth heavyweight boxing championship. More important,…

Let the quarterback controversy begin. No, not that one. Sure, Dallas Cowboys backup Tony Romo looked decent in last Saturday’s preseason opener. But c’mon, Romo wasn’t built in a day. And Drew Bledsoe didn’t start tiptoeing toward Canton overnight. The only hot debate surrounding America’s premier sports position this season…

Signs that your life may be wobbling off its axis: You’ve been shot more times than Fitty Cent. You lied to police, prompting your boss to lie about your lying. You generate superstar skeptics, even from those highly skilled in the art of handcuff etiquette and fudging about felonies. “C’mon…

No steroids? No ego? No national ad campaigns? No paparazzi pics wearing only eye black and a jock strap in the back seat with a Bachman Lake stripper? No obscenity-laced insults hurled at Mike Doocy? No 3 a.m. alcohol-related arrests after taking in Ted Nugent at Billy Bob’s? What? Texas…

After sitting on a runway for an hour in Atlanta and finally arriving at DFW Airport three hours late on a July 5 flight, Terrell Owens pulled down his plaid Gilligan hat and pulled out his cell phone when a beleaguered co-passenger timidly approached near the luggage carousel. “Hate to…

It’s 8:37 a.m., do you know where your drunks are? Nope, not sleeping one off down at Lew Sterrett’s joint. They’re right here, at The Londoner pub in Addison. Even at this ungodly hour on a Saturday they’re packed shoulder-to-shoulder, painting their faces, downing pints of room-temperature Guinness and chanting…

Saddened by recent spills but stimulated by his new grills, Dallas Mavericks guard Marquis Daniels steps into the batter’s box. Awkward and unsure at the plate, he resembles his NBA Finals team down the stretch. As the pitching machine expels the ball toward him at 60 mph, Daniels takes a…

I hate Mark Cuban. But just for a second or two. Then I come back to my senses and realize he’s the best damn thing that ever happened to the Dallas Mavericks. I’ve hated him momentarily since we met him back in 2000. Hated him for his money. Hated him…

At Nellie’s Sports Bar just south of downtown Dallas, there are tons of photos adorning the walls. Former Dallas Mavericks coach Don Nelson with Dirk Nowitzki, with Steve Nash, with Troy Aikman, with Sammy Hagar and even with Kinky Friedman. And, coming soon, Nellie posing with the NBA championship trophy…

Screw David Hasselhoff. Where’s Zelda Rubinstein? Rather than the former Baywatch crooner turned Mavericks coattailer, Dallas should trumpet its long-awaited arrival at the NBA Finals with Zelda, who played creepy clairvoyant Tangina Barrons in Poltergeist. As she did dramatically in declaring the departure of ghosts from a haunted house in…

Do it for Don. And I don’t mean Nelson. Since he practically invented smallball and had an appreciation of Steve Nash way before the MVPs, it wouldn’t be shocking if, deep down, part of former Dallas Mavericks coach Don Nelson is rooting for the Phoenix Suns in the NBA Western…