Free valet that I didn’t feel bad not tipping count: 1 Minutes I had to wait before I got a table count: 10 When I want a good margarita, I make one. When I want great queso, I go to Mattito’s for their Bob Armstrong queso with its taco meat…
I’ve been told that men are simple creatures—assuming “my eyes are up here” means something along the lines of “simple.” And a pig is, after all, a creature. Well, not so much been told. Let’s just say I’ve heard second-hand—yeah, that’s it—some of these untoward remarks. On the plus side,…
Real chopsticks (not the kind you get wrapped in paper) count: 2 People playing cards at the table next to mine count: 4 I_ thought Asian fusion restaurants with their full bars, their fancy plates, their presentation of food that makes it look beautiful but also makes the food close…
Just why do the folks at Pescabar set a pair of metal chopsticks on each table? Yes, raw fish—I get it. The kitchen lauds its presentation of crudo, Italy’s version of marinated sashimi. But show me the South or Central American restaurant where diners scoop ceviche with chopsticks. For that…
Awesome beard count: 1 Snooty Dallasites count: 0 With the economy in the shitter, it’s getting harder and harder for hard-working Americans to pay for the sweaty lap dances they deserve. I am honestly shocked that the whole lack-o’-lap-dance thing hasn’t been a bigger issue in the presidential debates. I…
If one of the waitstaff at Go Fish Ocean Club offers to “explain” some of the menu items, waive him off, say “no, we’re good” or pretend you hear the maître d’ calling the waiter’s name—anything. Otherwise, you must endure a discourse worthy of Edward Everett. (You know, the guy…
Tongs count: 50 Skinny bitches count: 50 So, after a friend of mine gave me a hard time about never trying to find anything healthy for lunch for less than 10 bucks, I punched her in the face and then thought, “Ya know, Grandma, maybe you’re right.” I decided that…
A friend of mine refers to “Tuesday night” prices and “Saturday night” prices. By this he means not some inflationary trick, like hiking gas prices for the summer or raising national security alarms before Election Day, as if that would ever occur to…rrrove…sorry, had to clear my throat. No, the…
Flying Saucer 14999 Montfort Drive, Addison 972-934-2537 When it comes to beer-drinking havens, this is one of the area’s most respected. Not only does it have longevity, but also a hefty selection to choose from. Sample brews from England, Germany, Belgium—even Texas—both familiar names and microbrews. Ginger Man 2718 Boll…
Oktoberfest in Fredericksburg starts with a free glass of Shiner “Helles,” a crisp, golden-colored Czech-style pilsner. When the gates to Fredericksburg’s Marktplatz open on this Friday evening at six, more than 100 people get in line in front of the keg stand where Shiner brewmaster Jimmy Mauric and his crew…
There’s a Texas law that prohibits breweries from selling their beer in their gift shops. Bill Metzger, the publisher of Southwest Brewing News, says it’s the worst of many bad beer laws in Texas. “It doesn’t make any sense,” he says. “It’s like you make a killer brisket at your…
Here are my top-five year-round beers, in order: 1. Saint Arnold Elissa If you love crisp, bitter, hoppy beers, you will fall hard for this India Pale Ale (IPA) named after Galveston’s tall ship. 2. Live Oak Pilz Live Oak beers are sold on draft to select pubs and restaurants…
SMUchebag count: 6-8 Really good lemonade count: 1 I was so in the mood for some cheap wings and waffle fries the other day; so I drove my car on over to the Pluckers on Greenville, parked among all of Mom and Dad’s hand-me-downed BMWs with SMU bumper stickers, and…
What has yellow skin and writes? A ballpoint banana, of course. Stole that one from the classic 1966 version of Batman, the one where Penguin purchases a surplus nuclear submarine under the alias P. N. Guin to fool Navy officials, and the Riddler fires skywriting surface-to-air missiles. Usually Frank Gorshin’s…
Mama Carol’s teeth count: 4 Overalls count: 3 My latest rule for how to spot a good place for lunch is that if the restaurant is an actual house, it’s gonna serve up some tasty food. The older the house, the cheaper the food. And if they offer curbside service,…
It’s 9 a.m. on a Friday in Plano, and Bob Ripper is making his morning run to Dunkin’ Donuts. He comes to this pink and orange storefront on Independence Parkway maybe twice a week, with stops at McDonald’s and Einstein Bros. on the days in between for his morning cup…
As Americans, we know how to pick our nostalgia. We pluck the good, fleshy bits from the bones of our memories and leave the gristle to decay on its own. We hold onto the good stuff, and the rest floats away. After all, in the fun, heady days of a…
Toilets in the women’s restroom that are on a platform that makes you feel like your peeing onstage count: 1 Credit cards accepted count: 0 People ask why I’m such a cheap ass. They’re like, “Why do I have to pay for your lunch all the time, Alice?” and “How…
Sometime around second grade, with kiddie fat starting to fade into just awkward kid, I got my first taste of the Orient. My dad worked for a Japanese company. I had pen pals in Nagano. I got my first kimono, and I was working on mastering the chopsticks. Our family…
It began with a chicken. Or to be more precise, dreams of a chicken. I wanted a plump red bird with a healthy sheen, a thick neck and green tail feathers. I would build it a coop, give it crushed corn and keep its water clean. And then, when the…
Jalapeño ranch and salsa bar count: 1 Times I was amazed by how good crispy tacos could be count: 50 Urban Taco can suck one. A big fat one with a tattoo that says, “Mockingbird Station ain’t effin’ urban, and real tacos are big as yo’ face.” If you want…
Parking in front of Naan Korean Grill & Sushi Bar isn’t free unless you drive a hybrid. They actually have meters in front of every primo spot in front of the restaurant (just like all the other establishments that are a part of the newish Watters Creek outdoor mall in…
