Maybe my imagination's become limited and cynical in the third decade of existence, but I feel as though this Party Rock thing is on its last legs. It's enjoyed a phenomenal run, mostly in the perennially club-stamped hands of Redfoo and SkyBlu, the two Gordy descendants who compose LMFAO. They're even playing arenas now - their tour arrives at American Airlines Center tomorrow, and it promises to be an explosion of afros, Speedos, feel-good dance breaks and cartoon-sexual behavior.
Yet, I worry about Red 'n' Sky. They seem like nice guys, and I'd like them to somehow sustain their chart success by moving beyond their current sound. They probably aren't worried, as they lift a piña colada off a set of stripper abs and daydream about the future. They're entertaining visions of a "Not Sorry For Party Rocking Anymore" follow-up, no doubt. I'm here, though, being aggressively realistic and advising them to consider their next creative leap. I've even got a few ideas.
Go to India Spend a lot of time there. Maybe a few years. Invite Alanis Morissette to join and give you a guided tour of her favorite places for rediscovery. Record a new version of her song, "Thank U." Add a dance beat if you have to, but lose the Speedos.
Dump will.i.am as your boss. Hire Bon Iver. Leave synthesizers behind for your second album. Move into a cabin. Learn the mandolin. Segue into your new era of writing about the perils of success with a few acoustic reworkings of your former hits. I've always wondered what "Put That Ass To Work" would sound like with a washboard and juice harp.
Join Madonna's current world tour Convince her to let you remix most of her new album, and also have her put that titty away.
Write songs from the point of view of the Kia Hamsters Market it to children. Secure Happy Meal tie-in.
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Buck the current dance trends Ask Rihanna to compose, arrange and produce a backing track on which you sing three or four lines over and over.
Go country Even if you have no shred of natural vocal talent at all, you'll still sound better than Uncle Kracker.
Assume a new identity Pitch a faux biopic film to introduce your new alter-ego's backstory, record an adult contemporary record full of "greatest hits," fail miserably, take a few years off, and then make a comeback with a long run in Las Vegas. Surely that's never been done, right?
Focus 100 percent on making beats Let real rappers handle the rapping. Speedos optional, because I'm feeling generous. You are sexy, and I do know it.