I Asked Out 18 Porn Stars at Exxxotica (Yes, I Really Did and Two Were Dudes)

Be our Valentine?EXPAND
Be our Valentine?
Roderick Pullum

It doesn't matter how old you get or how many women a guy has asked out on a date. Asking a woman to go out with you never gets easier. If it is easy, then that guy is a psychopath who isn't in touch with their feelings and will definitely be the subject of one of those seedy documentaries on Investigation Discovery.

Maybe that's a little unfair. Rejection has always been one of my biggest fears and when my body decided that girls were no longer icky without consulting with me first, it gave me a whole new reason to fear it. It's either nut up and face your fear or spend the rest of your life in an existence of loneliness. It's like having a fear of clowns and winning a scholarship to Barnum and Bailey's Clown College. Actually, that's not a fair analogy because the outcome is probably still the same in that scenario. 

I'm a big believer in immersion therapy, the idea that the only way to overcome a fear is to expose yourself to it until you're numb to its emotionally crippling effects. So this past weekend's eXXXotica Expo provided the perfect way to learn how to cope with the crippling heartache of being told that you aren't worth having a free meal with by another person. 

I walked up to 18 adult film stars who attended the sex expo that tried to bring the Biblical apocalypse to Dallas and asked them all, "Would you go out on a date with me?" 

1. Gianna Michaels (@therealgianna)
“I don’t see why I wouldn’t. Your obvious shyness puts me off though. I need a guy to ask me with confidence.”

To be fair, she was the first porn star I asked out on this little adventure and everyone's first time is nerve-racking. I'm sure that even Wilt Chamberlain got nervous before he tried to impregnate an entire hemisphere. 

2. Sophie Dee (@sophiedee)
“No, I don’t go out with guys who wear glasses, but you could ask me out if you had on contacts.”

That hurt. Some people happen to like the sexy librarian look.

3. Heather Vahn (@heathervahn)
“Got cash?”

Someone's not aware of the economic state of print media. 

4. Dillion Harper (@dillionharper)
“I wouldn’t go out with someone within five seconds of meeting. I have to get to know them, but you seem like a good guy.”

At least six seconds had passed at this point, but I didn't want to seem like a niggling prick. 

5. Jezabel Vessir (@jezabelvessir)
“No, I guess it’s just because of the way you’re dressed. The jacket is too big and the Converse [shoes] are only cool if you’re 16-years-old.”

Ouch, especially coming from someone who makes a living not wearing clothing. That's like being told by Donald Trump that you need to be more sensitive to criticism. 

6. Teal Conrad (@tconradx)
“I don’t know. I’d have to get to know you. Communication is very important.”

The funny part is while I was writing this down, I asked her to repeat it.

7. Megan Rain (@littlesexbuddha)
“No. One, I’m dating somebody right now, and it wouldn’t be on my mind to date another man and two, I have an ideal type. When I see someone, I just know that I’m attracted to them.”

Honestly, I wasn't mad that she didn't accept my offer or find me attractive. I was more mad to find out that this was the person who beat me to my original choice for a Twitter username. 

8. Evan Stone (@evanstonexxx)
“Sure, you’re rich, right?”

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That's right, I asked out one of the most famous male porn stars if he would go on a date with me. It's called gender equality and I'm a big believer in it. 

9. Sara Jay (@sarajayxxx)
“I don’t know. We just met. It depends on your personality, and I don’t really date. I probably haven’t been on a date for 15 years. I also like people who make me laugh.”

It's nice to know that someone has beaten my "longest time without a date" record. I thought I was going to have to get mine carbon-dated. 

10. Stormy Daniels (@stormydaniels)
“I don’t know. Are you funny? What’s your credit score? Get back to me.”

Well, my credit score would make her laugh. Does that count? 

11. Mick Blue (@mickbluexxx and the husband of Mrs. Albrite)
“No, I don’t go out with guys unless it’s a friendly thing.”

Hey, who says I just want sex out of this relationship? I'm not a piece of meat, sir.

12.  Anikka Albrite (@anikkaalbrite and the wife of adult film star Mick Blue)
“It depends on what I know about you. I have to know a few things before I go out with someone, like do you have a job, what your education is and basically your morals and if you’re a good person. I don’t want to go out with a total stranger.”

Well, considering that I'm asking out a married woman right in front of her husband because someone is paying me to do it, I'm setting the moral bar pretty low. 

13. Vicky Vette (@vickyvette)
“No, I’m married.” [When asked if she gets asked out a lot by people she meets at conventions] “I’d be insulted if we didn’t.”

Guys, seriously, I'm doing this as a joke. If you're one of those people who genuinely asks porn stars on dates at one of these conventions, just stop. You're making our gender look bad. You are doing to men what former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford did to Canadians.

14. Lexi Belle (@omgitslexi)
(laughs) “You’re not a girl, so no.”

That's the happiest I've ever been after a woman turned me down for a date. 

15. Layton Benton (@mslaytonbenton)
“If you have some kind of money and if you can spoil me.”

Well, I could spoil you but only if it's in the Whataburger/Payless Shoe Store range. 

16. Kendra Sutherland
“Yes. Let’s go to an amusement park. It’ll be fun.”

I didn't realize until I started writing this story that I had just met the infamous Oregon State library webcam girl. I also just realized that she actually said "Yes" so my head wasn't in the game in the first place. 

17. Jelena Jensen (@jelenajensen)
“I’m married, but if I wasn’t, I have a rule that I don’t date fans.” [When asked what if I wasn’t a fan] “I don’t know because we just met and I don’t just go for looks.”

Well, now I'm definitely not a fan. 

18. Raven Bay (@ravenbayxxx)
“Yeah, if it’s to the mall. I love shopping.” 

OK, it's on and while I'm there, I can buy a coat that will fit my irregular, accordion-esque shape and shoes that don't make me look like a 5-foot, 11-inch-tall Dennis the Menace. Happy now, Jezabel?

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter and blogger who is still waiting for Ron Jeremy's reply. He can be found on Twitter @thisisdannyg


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