At the Dallas Observer, we can't always speak with big stars, but that doesn't stop us from conducting interviews with them. Here, with the help of every U2 album's liner notes, is an interview with Bono himself. Sort of.
Dallas Observer: Good afternoon, Bono.
Bono: Hello, hello.
U2 performs at American Airlines Center on Saturday, October 29.
DO: Why are you still standing in the doorway?
Bono: You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl.
DO: That's silly, we won't do that. So how did last week's well-publicized meeting with George Bush turn out?
Bono: I have held the hand of a devil.
DO: Are you're saying he wasn't receptive to your pleas about world poverty, disease and African debt?
Bono: We eat and drink while tomorrow they die.
DO: So do you ever feel hypocritical trying to fight poverty when you're a rich musician?
Bono: I really don't mind sleeping on the floor.
DO: Come now--instead of playing a concert in Dallas, you could be volunteering in Africa, or even campaigning full-time as a politician.
Bono: Have you come here to play Jesus?
DO: No, I just know these issues are important to--
Bono: On your knees, boy.
DO: Whoa. I'm sorry if I offended, but that's pushing it, Bono.
Bono: I wipe your tears away.
DO: Um, let's switch gears...I hear you're interested in Dallas politics, of all things.
Bono: She's a promise in the year of election.
DO: You're talking about Mayor Laura Miller, yes?
Bono: She moves in mysterious ways.
DO: Wait, is there something about the recent Ray Hunt deal you know--
The Edge (to Bono): Don't answer, don't ask, don't try and make sense, don't whisper, don't talk.
DO: Hey, could you ask the Edge to not interrupt, please?
Bono (to The Edge): Walk away. I will follow.
DO: Thanks, Bono. Now, this is your first Dallas gig in...how many years?
Bono: Uno, dos, tres...catorce!
DO: 14? I could've sworn it was four. Have you missed Dallas?
Bono: I have scaled these city walls.
DO: Really? That's odd. Why?
Bono: It's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
DO: Fair enough. Are you looking forward to the concert?
Bono: They'll want their money back.
DO: That's not true--people in Dallas appreciate U2's music. We're not all stereotypical rednecks.
Bono: Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
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DO: I...don't know. Well, thank you for coming by. Any plans before the show?
Bono: Gonna go where the bright lights and the big city meet.
DO: Where's that?
Bono: Discotheque, uh-huh.