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Seated Gigs: A Guide To Dealing With Idiots, Using Passive-Aggressive Actions

We've all been there. You're at a seated gig, possibly in a large stadium or auditorium, and the people around you only serve to remind you how much you dislike humanity. With their phones, their talking, and their general disregard for the etiquette of polite society, they are in actual fact the worst. It's like the cinema, but at a concert there are actually far greater opportunities to make your feelings partially clear, using the great power of passive-aggressive interference. Do not directly tell them to shut up. That would itself be uncouth.

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• If they've got their phone out and they're playing around online, simply get your phone out, turn the brightness up to full, lean subtly towards them and start to play with your phone. Repeatedly googling things, the bright white background of your search results searing their indignant eyeballs, will soon inform them that what they are doing is wrong but will not expend any actual words.

• Take a lesson from long flights, and use coughing as a cover for repeatedly sweeping their armrest. Person in front of you being a dick? Time for the knees. Person behind you the actual worst? Film the entire gig. On an iPad.

• If the person next to you isn't meeting your approval in some way, then a way to approach their misdemeanors that's fun for everyone is to really pointedly applaud directly at them in between songs. A favorite of my father growing up (which, let's face facts, explains a lot), upon witnessing someone else driving poorly he would simply applaud them, complete with an "are you shitting me" look on his face. If it was really bad, he would shout "oh, well done. No, really, that was brilliant." I'm beginning to understand where a lot of how I act as a person comes from now. Remember, when pointedly applauding the person next to you, stare them directly in the eye with the same sort of glare. Only do this if the person is smaller than you.

• Of course, if possible simply move to a different seat. Sure, the view might not be as good, and the new person next to you might be even worse, but you can always just move back. Then you will have fresh perspective on how good the original seat was. Remember, the seat is always greener on the other side. That's just the way the $8 hotdog crumbles.

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