Dear Mexican: Why don’t Mexicans ever drop their Spanish? Even third- and fourth-generation Mexican-Americans still speak the language to some degree or another. I speak Japanese, but I’m losing it quickly, and when my mother passes on, so will my language. The typical Asian-American kid may attend Chinese, Korean, or…

Dear Gabachos: You love us, you really love us! Mere moments after the Senate allowed an amnesty bill to collapse like the peso’s value, ustedes bombarded the Mexican with typo-heavy valentines. To commemorate America’s latest amnesic spell regarding its immigrants and assimilation (previous examples include the Chinese Exclusion Act, the…

Dear Mexican, I welcome the inclusion of a nice big scoop of chopped habaneros in the bland casserole that is America. Must admit, however, it gave me pause the other day when I saw an all-too-typical familia of recent arrivals at K-Mart: mom, pop and four kids less than 5…

Dear Mexican, A friend asked me years ago to come up with a Spanish word or phrase that contains fewer syllables than its English counterpart. After years of thinking about this, the only one I could come up with is “Tengo sed” (three syllables) compared to “I am thirsty” (four…

Dear Readers, Contrary to what some of ustedes think, racist gabachos or self-hating Mexicans aren’t my only fans. Many of our friendly neighbors to the Great White Norte also love the Mexican. In honor of my hometown Anaheim Ducks pounding on pussy Canadians to win the NHL Stanley Cup, I…

Dear Mexican, So often when we see Mexican bands perform in the U.S. and Mexico, the crowd at some point starts chanting “¡Cu-le-ro (Ass-hole!)!” Why does the crowd yell “Cu-le-ro” at a band that they seemingly adore and paid a lot of money to see perform? Even fellow Latinos are…

Dear Mexican, Why do we always think Mexican men drink tequila and sing mariachi tunes, while the women are pretty señoritas? —Viva Mexico Dear Gabacho, Mexicans frequently blame ustedes for perpetuating various stereotypes about nosotros over the centuries, but a big part of the blame also falls on us. During…

Dear Mexican, Has the 1965 Immigration Act proved to be a good thing or bad thing for America, and has the recent unprecedented flood of immigrants (both legal and illegal) been an overall good thing or bad thing for America? Please fully explain your answer and include economical, cultural and…

Dear Mexican, I was going through a local state college’s academic program the other day and found that they offer a bachelor’s degree in Chicano studies. My question is in what field of work would someone with a bachelor’s in Chicano studies land? Here are a few jobs I came…

Dear Mexican, I have no problem with immigrants. My grandparents were Dutch on one side and Irish on the other—but they came here legally, through Ellis Island. What I can’t stand are a bunch of fence-hopping, river-wading illegals telling me I owe them a free education, free health care, and…

Dear Readers, Gracias, gracias, gracias for ustedes who bought the Mexican’s book last week (deportation for those who haven’t). I’ve done mucho national press because of the interest; the list so far includes Talk of the Nation, FOX News Live, Paula Zahn Now, The Tom Leykis Show, The Glenn Beck…

Dear Mexican, I’m a gringa married to a mexicano, and we have a 3-year-old son. His family is wonderful for the most part, and they adore my son, but as he is getting older, his tos are trying to “toughen him up” and make him more macho. So far, they’ve…

Dear Readers, The Reconquista has arrived! On May 1, Ask a Mexican! comes out in book form gracias to the literary madmen at Scribner. Expect more of the same, but más: more essays, more illustrations from Mark Dancey (the gabacho who created this column’s logo) and more questions. Below is…

Dear Mexican, Have you seen the e-mail flying around, allegedly from country rock star Charlie Daniels? What’s your reaction? —The Mexicans Went Down to Georgia Dear Gabacho, I love it. For ustedes readers who don’t know what we’re talking about: In April 2006, one-hit has-been Charlie Daniels posted an essay…

Dear Mexican, I lived here illegally for the first half of my life, so I’m very offended when I hear anti-immigrant comments. I especially can’t stand “Illegals don’t pay taxes, so they shouldn’t be here.” When my father applied for residency during the amnesty in the 1980s, part of the…

Dear Mexican, What do Mexicans think about President Bush’s grandfather having a hand in getting the guy that robbed Pancho Villa’s head out of jail? —Kruising Klassily in Kennebunkport Dear KKK, Ah, Villa’s stolen skull. No macabre Mexican legend is more mired in intrigue, distortions and looniness. Here are the…

Dear Mexican, Why should Mexican nationals have more of a right to stay in this country than Chinese, Somalis or others who can’t cross an open land border and must thus wait on the bureaucracy like everybody else? —700 Miles Isn’t Long Enough Dear Gabacho, ‘Cause this land once belonged…

Ask a Mexican! Naming Debate In no particular order, sense or rhythm… I’ve been around a long time, managed to laugh at Speedy Gonzalez and José Jimenez, could have cared less about the Frito Bandito and couldn’t understand the flap over the Taco Bell chihuahua, even though it was led…

Dear Readers, Muchas, muchas responses to my March 8 column asking whether I should keep this column’s gold-toothed, mustachioed, sombrero-wearing fat Mexican logo and what should I name him. The overwhelming majority of ustedes support amnesty for the wab, but a few folks also made articulate arguments in favor of…

Dear Mexican, I am perplexed. I just saw a middle-aged wab (complete with a bright-red, lipstick-accentuated mustache) wearing tight pink stretch pants with the phrase “Pink Taco” emblazoned across her misshapen buttocks. In my experience, Mexicans of the Mexico-born variety seem to wear a lot of clothes with odd/tacky slogans…

Dear Mexican, I have a major crush on a worker with the Mexican Consulate aqu en Tucson. But I fear that, like two star-crossed lovers, we’re destined for doom. I’m a gabacha yaktivist and against governments in general. He represents the PAN or PRD or PRI or whatever Mexican political…

Dear Mexican, As a kid, I grew up with Mexicans who stole things just to steal. As an adult, I see much of the same behavior from adult Mexicans and their children. And I don’t mean just the poor Mexicans. Why is it in their nature for Mexicans to steal?…