RiFF RAFF Played in Dallas on Friday and We're Pretty Sure We're Permanently Scarred

RiFF RAFF, nightmare inducer, as seen in Dallas in 2014
RiFF RAFF, nightmare inducer, as seen in Dallas in 2014
Mike Brooks

RiFF RAFF Thee Theater, Dallas Friday, March 27, 2015

It's like a nightmare. All of the worst nightmares combined into one. One where you are naked in front of your peers, trying to scream but nothing is coming out, and you somehow end up in a car that is flying off the High 5 in Dallas. You are jolted awake in a deep sweat and you pray to God for sweet dreams the rest of the night.

See also: RiFF RaFF, with Dorrough and Mike Jones: What the Hell Just Happened in Arlington? Sure, Hozier Took Us to Church Friday at House of Blues. We Guess.

Except here's the horrible, horrible twist. You never wake up. You keep hitting yourself and praying, but every time you look around you are still surrounded by hundreds of white teenagers moshing to a rapper named RiFF RAFF.

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Born Horst Christian Simco, but better known as RiFF RAFF or Jody Highroller or MTV RiFF RAFF, or the dude James Franco played in Spring Breakers, played Friday night in Thee Theater in Deep Ellum.

If the hundreds of white teenagers younger than 21 didn't scare you enough, it's also important to note that they somehow snagged some weed and were smoking it with each breath. Let's rephrase that. They were smoking it anytime they had a free moment -- when they weren't sucking each other's faces or playing tonsil hockey or -- well, you get it.

RiFF RAFF is an interesting character. From Houston, he began rapping at an early age. To try and become famous, he auditioned for several TV shows before finally landing on MTV's From G's to Gents. He was eliminated on the second episode. But before even filming, he tattooed the MTV logo on his neck. His time on the show garnered enough attention to eventually land him a record deal. And now we have RiFF RAFF, probably the strangest rapper in the game.

It's unclear if the sold-out crowd was there as a joke or just genuinely appreciated his music. He performed "DOLCE & GABBANA" (but pronounced Dole-cee and Gab-on) and "TiP TOE WiNG iN MY JAWWDiNZ" (sound it out). The crowd was into it. They jumped up and down. They rapped along -- probably more than RiFF RAFF was actually rapping -- and they recorded it on their smartphones. But, like, what? Is it for real or is everyone just trolling us?

To try and garner whether people were actually there for RiFF RAFF's music or just as a joke, I met several people. First were three underage and, shall we say, underdressed girls at the door. They were on some sort of list that didn't require tickets to get in. They were most likely there for some attention. Then I met a frat guy from UTA, who paid $40 for him and his little brother to attend the show. He said, "Of course! It's RiFF RAFF!"

RiFF RAFF played for about 40 minutes without any pausing. It felt like one long (very long) song. All of the words blended together. About halfway through his set, a girl, who looked to be about 17 or 18, approached my plus one and explained that my plus one had spilled a drink on her earlier in the night. Because my plus one had apparently lost her drink, this kind girl offered her a foggy vodka shot.

My plus one respectively declined.

As soon as the last word was rapped or muttered or lip-synched or whatever, the lights came on and the blazed teenagers filed out. Just like that. No big hurrah.

Still unsure about what I just experienced, I talked with four guys after the show who were sporting "I Am Second" bracelets. We talked Christian rappers but I needed to know their thoughts on RiFF RAFF's show. "It was good for RiFF RAFF," they said.

What the hell does that mean? We may never know.

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