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Let’s shorthand it, shall we? Because in Twitterworld, who needs complete sentences? U w/me, ppl?
-Birds are angry.
-Alec Baldwin is angry. He plays Words with Friends. (He has friends?)
-Be angry at college coaches in the showers.
-Steve Jobs’ sister, Mona Simpson, delivers best eulogy ever.
-Two presidential candidates wear secret underwear. And maybe also Marcus Bachmann.
But not for religious reasons.
–Pinterest loves Ryan Gosling, glitter shoes and Mason jars.
-Missoni for Target. If you got there early.
-Planned spontaneity.
-Hamsters drive Kia Souls.
-Grandma and Grandpa can’t figure out the webcam.
-Planking and owling.
–The kitten is scared of green apples.
-Too many Kardashians. One too many Kris Humphries.
-Dr. Drew. Everywhere.
-No one needs Sarah Palin. Anywhere.
-Hugh Jackman on Broadway again. War Horse. Porgy & Bess. Follies. How to succeed? Be Harry Potter, not Spider-Man.
-Paula Deen’s butter.
-Gluten-free.
-One day Taylor Swift will be old. Unlike Marie Osmond’s face.
-Everyone can read everything without turning pages. (See baby.)
-Sexting.
-There’s an app for that.
-Put it on the cloud.
Final space shuttle flight.
-Steve Buscemi’s eyes.
-Rick Perry. Oops.
-Preacher says world is gonna end. Twice. Did it?
-Tot mom goes free. Amanda Knox comes home.
-Earthquakes, tsunamis, wars. Gaddafi’s gone. Mubarak’s gone. Bin Laden’s dead. He liked to watch TV.
-Zombies.
-Meryl Streep is Maggie Thatcher.
-Betty White hawt.
-Teen Moms. Toddlers & Tiaras. Today without Meredith Vieira. And where in the world is Matt Lauer now that they want Ryan Seacrest?
-Anderson Cooper giggles like a little girl. But not while getting beat up in Tahrir Square.
– Bono grows a beard. Tom Cruise still has his. Hi, Katie! Suri scares us.
-Get out your rusty old bikes, American Pickers are coming.
-Bored to Death. Larry Crowne.
-Donald Trump, 0. Seth Myers at White House Correspondents Dinner, 1.
-Obama’s birth certificate. Told ya!
-Snooki “writes” a book.
-Rosie gets engaged (wife No. 2). Oprah and Steadman are still whatever.
-Gayle King and Charlie Rose to CBS Morning News. (TV’s elephant graveyard.)
-Wikileaks. And so does Whoopi Goldberg.
-Phone hacking. UK Sun goes down. Old Murdoch looks confused. Young Murdoch stutters.
-Lock them doors, it’s Scotty McCreery.
–X Factor. Sing Off. Biggest Loser. Top Chef Texas. Work of Art. Project Runway. Top Gear. A-List Dallas. Ice Road Truckers. Downton Abbey.
-Owen Wilson as Woody Allen in Paris at midnight with Ernest Hemingway.
-Girl with dragon tattoo. Probably has friends on People of Walmart.
-Don’t ask, don’t tell? Gurl, now you can serve openly in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines. But not the GOP.
