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Dear People Doing The Wobble: Stoppit.

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The Wobble is a song written by V.I.C. that plays everywhere from clubs to bars to weddings to school dances. It's a line dance. A dance craze abomination brought here by the Line Dance Devil himself.

If you are unfamiliar with the dance, here is one of thousands of instructional videos from the YouTube that explains how the dance is done (Warning: By watching this video, you are sealing your own The Wobble Earworm Death fate):

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If you have heard the song once, the inspired lyrics ("Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble. (Repeat 100 times)") are burned into your ear bones forever and will stay there and reproduce until your dying day. You will die of The Wobble Earworm.

The Wobble is an immediate and present threat to your current and future happiness. You might find yourself sitting in a nice bar, hanging out with friends, and then suddenly and without warning: YOU ARE THE WOBBLED.

Like angry ants on a mound that has just been trampled by a toddler, a flood of drunk women will crawl out from underneath your bar stool and descend upon any nearby open space. They will create a dance floor where there previously was no dance floor. And they will The Wobble. They will The Wobble right at you, in your face, lips pursed as if to say, "I'm sharting and you're jealous of my sharts."

You're at a wedding, cheersing the bride and groom's happiness, and suddenly YOU ARE THE WOBBLED. Bridesmaids hike up their satin dresses and attempt to find the beat (spoiler alert: they never find it) while hopping forwards and backwards in their high-heeled feet and tight skirts like penguins in one of those Discovery Channel penguins movies.

You're at your kindergartener's school dance, preserving The Moment with 5,000 pictures, and suddenly you are THE WOBBLED. You know that this line dance is a unique kind of horrifying, because it's awful even when kids are dancing it. The pure joy of a child cannot even make this dance not suck. You fall to your knees as you realize this dance is infecting The New Generation. It's just like when The Macarena hit our homes and places of work -- we will not rebuild. This is a tragic dance tragedy.

Like something that sucks and is awful, The Wobble will suck and be awful. For like four straight minutes.

Dear The Wobblers: If you think that you look sexy doing this dance for onlookers, know that nobody looks sexy The Wobbling. And it's not your fault; it's a flaw in the product. The whole time you're dancing, someone is saying the word "Wobble," and all I can picture is this:

And drunk Weeble Wobbles totally fall down, for the record. Speaking of drunk: yet another problem I have with The Wobble is that even after having seen hundreds of people do The Wobble, I'm not sure what a The Wobble is supposed to look like.

Chicken Dance? I got it. Obviously, you just dance exactly the way a chicken would dance. Everyone who has spent any time on a farm knows that when a chicken dances: it 1) warms up by making its chicken paws go talky-talky, 2) flaps its chickeny wings, 3) shakes its chicken ass, 4) claps four times with its chicken paws, 5) repeat.

Even the Cupid Shuffle, which gets highest marks on the Line Dance Scale of Annoying, at least has the decency to include lyrics that make it clear to the dancer that when she is The Cupid Shuffling, she is supposed to "to the left, to the left."

We must stop The Wobble. If not for me, for the DJs. Every time The Wobble plays, a DJ gets crabs. (If the DJ already has crabs, they get double crabs, which is double worse.) I beg of you, everyone please abstain from The Wobbling. If you are THE WOBBLED somewhere, yell "NOOOOOOOOO" until the person The Wobbling you stops The Wobbling you. And if you know a Wobbler, help them get help for their Wobble addiction.

It's time to end this dance that only leads to pain, regret and awkward "Yeah, yeah!"-ing. Please, The Wobble: Stoppit. Just stoppit.


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