Get Your Wild On

Wild on E! is a travel show on E! Entertainment Television known for its exhaustive portraits of pole-dancing women and neck-licking drunks. On Friday, August 27, the crew filmed a segment on Dallas, visiting the Denton rodeo that afternoon and at night, three clubs: Firewater, Suede and the newly opened Sky Bar, where the following teleplay takes place.


Male host: Modestly attractive man with relentless exuberance (played by Dave Coulier of Full House)

Surly producer: Modestly attractive man with a resigned distaste for humanity (played by Bill Murray)

Sexy producer: Attractive bare-midriff blonde in gym clothes and a no-nonsense ponytail (played by Rene Russo)

Cameraman: Affable emo kid (played by Seth Green)

Journalist: Sarcastic local music critic (played, of course, by Janeane Garofalo)

Scene 1. Friday, 11:30 p.m., outside Sky Bar on Greenville Avenue. Palm trees strung with Christmas lights line the entrance. There is a needless velvet rope and the incessant thumping sound of the club: UM-chee, UM-chee, UM-chee.

Close-up on an advertisement hanging outside the club. It asks: "Wanna be on TV?"

Male host: Here we are at Sky Bar, one of the hottest places in Dallas, Texas. What are you girls up to tonight?

Hot black girl: We're going wild. Whoooo!

Other hot black girl: Whooooooo! I love E! Whoooooooo!

Journalist: Why does everyone scream when you point a camera at them?

Surly producer: It happens every time. That camera's like an asshole magnet.

Scene 2. 12 a.m. Inside the club. A fog machine hisses onto a half-full dance floor of multiracial twentysomethings, and the CAMERAMAN swoops in on them one at a time. A towering transvestite draped with a red-and-white scarf dances by herself. A pretty brunette grinds on her boyfriend and licks her finger. Drunken average people are politely nudged out of the way by SEXY PRODUCER who escorts a series of halter-topped hotties to the camera for brief, unmemorable interviews.

Journalist: So what kind of people are you looking for here?

Surly producer: Hot girls. Unfortunately, it's our bread and butter.

Journalist: What do you think of this club?

Surly producer: It kinda stinks, but I don't choose the places.

Journalist: This seems like it could be a tough job.

Surly producer: The travel's great, but it's exhausting being in the clubs night after night. Usually on these trips, we're as hammered as everyone else, but I'm just so tired.

Journalist: How long have you been on the road?

Surly producer: Our first stop was last night.

Scene 3. 1 a.m. Outside on the club's balcony. MALE HOST interviews chesty female waitstaff as pretty girls in tiny tops hover near, hoping to be noticed. Meanwhile, Drunk Guy walks up to SEXY PRODUCER.

Drunk guy: Hey, uh, I was just talking with my buddies, and we were trying to figure out--if I licked your stomach, would I get kicked out of the club?

SEXY PRODUCER laughs uncomfortably. JOURNALIST is shocked at injustice.

Journalist: If you lick her stomach, I'd worry about getting kicked in the balls.

Drunk guy: Hey, what's wrong? It's not like I'm not an asshole. I mean, I am actually an asshole, but I don't act like it. Why do you keep writing down everything I say?

Journalist: Because I'm doing a column about this, and you're providing me with quotes that are so unfathomably stupid I want to make sure I get every word correct.

Drunk guy: Oh, cool. Do you need me to spell my name?

It's easy to knock Wild on E! It glorifies the most vacuous of lifestyles and covers compelling cities in the most superficial of ways. It's pathetic. And yet, there is something intoxicating about the atmosphere--all the smiling, the screaming, the dancing, the brainless Spring Break raucousness of it all.

Scene 4. Outside the bar, 2 a.m. Clubgoers stumble onto the street.

Drunk girl: Hey, you! I saw you in there with the film crew! Whoo!

Journalist: Yeah, that was me. I saw you interviewed, too. Whoo!

Both: Whooooo!


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Sarah Hepola