There’s an undeniable charm in discovering a thoroughly trashed dive bathroom. Some are so bad it has to be a point of pride, even if it’s just to spread their infamy among Dallas boozehounds. With that in mind, we did the dirty work and compiled 10 of the worst men's bar bathrooms in the area. Considering we just released the women's edition of this list, allow the men to briefly check their privilege by recognizing that even at the worst, we have it easier (shorter lines, being able to stand to use toilets, et cetera). But with any of these bar bathrooms (especially Club Dada), we have to take any solidarity we can. Godspeed.
10. OT Tavern
As one of the best bro bars in Dallas, it's fitting that OT Tavern's bathroom is an extension of that aesthetic. There's all variety of graffiti carved into bathroom stalls, from the tame "YoungBiebz" to the already dated "Damn Daniel, back at it again with the small dick." Add a hoard of sleeveless dude-bros and you'll be reconsidering your choice soon, at least until you get some loaded fries in your system.
9. The Goat
It's almost a requirement for a blues dive bar to have a haggard bathroom. The public pool tiling and interestingly placed mirror might just be enough to pull a blue classic out of any visitor. Worst of all, you'll be depriving yourself of the blues bands playing — unless it's karaoke night, in which case it might be in your favor to stay in the john.
8. Off the Record
Off the Record has a perfectly suitable bathroom for a record store. But on weekends, when it transforms into a dance club/bar, it’s a claustrophobic nightmare. You can only really blame Off the Record for being too popular, since their makeshift dance floor is equally cramped on any DJ night. Be prepared to huddle around 10 sweaty dudes as you wait for two urinals (assuming they're both working which, pro tip, they're not) without dividers in the back corner of the bar.
7. Prophet Bar
There are two trials you must endure to make it to the Prophet Bar bathroom. The first and arguably more difficult test is squeezing past the packed crowd at the front of the stage, which is even more tricky since the space was narrow to begin with. If you can survive that, the bar’s bathroom (shared with The Door) usually has several of those “mystery puddles” you try not to think about as you deftly step around them. For moshing and bathroom use alike, closed-toe shoes are highly recommended.
6. The Old Crow
As the poster child for the no-nonsense bar, The Old Crow's bathroom is sufficiently divey. It's adequately run-down, it's cramped, and with the door closed the stall is basically pitch black. It feels appropriate, since even a remotely decorated bathroom would feel inauthentic compared to the rest of the bar. At The Old Crow, there's no time for any fanciness like air hand dryers and painted walls — that would just make it another fake Lower Greenville bar, right?
If you’re taking proper advantage of $3 drinks on Wednesdays at RBC, it comes with a catch. When you make that bleary-eyed stumble to the bathroom after somehow swimming through the Wednesday crowd, you'll realize the real price you paid. Still, once you get the hang of sidling down the narrow hallway and elbowing through the crowds, it'll still be worth the drink prices.
4. Wits End
Wits End’s entire bathroom looks like a SpinArt project gone even more horribly wrong than usual. After looking at it for too long, you’ll start to wonder what all the colors are trying to distract you from – especially that paint splatter on the urinals. Still, it’s an admirable tactic that does draw your eye away from any stains, though it might give you motion sickness after a few pints.
3. The Crown & Harp
The first floor bathroom of the Crown & Harp puts the “closet” in water closet. This cozy strip of broken tiles offers little in the way of “breathing room,” although maybe holding your breath would be smarter. If you can make it up the stairs, we’d suggest going for the upstairs bathroom. It’s got significantly more room and is dimly lit, so you’re less likely to catch light reflecting off things you’d rather not have seen.
2. Club Dada
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When the men’s bathroom has a line, you know you’re in trouble. You think with two stages, Club Dada would be better equipped than just having a one-person bathroom to endlessly wait for. And if you’re trying to use it after one or two opening bands, expect to tip-toe around a sea of beer cans (there’s a certain art to it, though). The upside is that you can still hear bands while standing in line, since Dada is pretty tightly packed. When the going gets tough, it might be best to try your luck at Off the Record next door (although, as No. 8 on this list proves, that's only a minor improvement).
If you’re looking for a definition of madness, you’ve found it. The Adair’s bathroom feels like an asylum for the criminally insane, with deranged graffiti scrawled on every inch of surface. When Raoul Duke was referring to the nightmare in the bathroom, this is what he was talking about. Stand in there long enough and you'll swear you can hear voices from the walls. Maybe it’s best that they can't actually talk.