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Cats vs. Squirrels: Who Do You Hate Worse?

You know how

I feel about squirrels

, but ...

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When I was a kid - thankfully I only have a vague memory of the experience - I underwent this allergy test. A bunch of razor-blade nicks in my bare back to see how I reacted to chemicals and whatnot.

Result: I am allergic to Penicillin. The result the test must have missed: I am waaaay allergic to cats.

I hate cats for a lot of reasons. They think they're smarter than humans, creeping around as if no one sees their supposedly stealth movements. Hair balls. If I leave my garage door open for just a minute my neighbor's cat walks all over my car. They aren't friendly, as if picking them up and petting them is somehow a privilege for us humans.

But, I'll give them credit, the cats got their revenge.

I slept at a "friends" house over the weekend, on a pillow that, unbeknownst to me, was home to a long-haired cat. Woke up Sunday morning and - kablowey! - my eyes itched.

Two scratches later and they blew up. Literally. The whites of my eyes so swelled up that they spilled over my eyelids like engorged larva sacks. (Stop me when you're turned on.) I couldn't close my eyes. And I couldn't stop scratching. Felt like a hundred mosquito bites inside my eyelids and on my eyeballs.

I tried flushing with water and taking a Claritin, but, alas, I basically had to just let the bout run its course. Which took about 24 hours.

In lieu of ridding the planet of felines, what's my best bet for cat allergies?

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