Stuff That Ain't Really Sports Stuff

Re: FYI, Read This ASAP. OMG!

The following is a prime example of my curse here on Earth. A fleeting thought sprouts into a mild observation, only to bloom into a thesis that eventually flourishes into a blog item with sports branches. My apologies ...

Got a text the other day, the salutation of which was LOL. It struck me that:

1. "laugh out loud" isn't that difficult to type.

2. it's official, our laziness has become lazy.

When in the name of Jack LaLanne did our lame asses become DOA? Our latest exercise evolution from VCR-to-DVR, for example, was born out of a unyielding desire to avoid the physically grueling task of pushing LCD buttons to stop 12:00 from blinking. Even worse, we've become obsessed with language lethargy, better known as ASS - Acronym Soup Syndrome.

(Like TV, it rots your CAT-scanned brain waves, man. And like PCP, it makes you see UFOs.)

FYI: ACRONYM is itself an acronym, a group of letters used as a shortcut around the cumbersome, draining process of actually writing or saying "Alphabetic Collocation Reducing Or Negating Your Memory." Whether it's remote controls, drive-thrus or whittling words and condensing consonants, in the 21st Century we're doing less, faster than ever.

Then: Pick up the phone and dial 36 of your friends.

Now: Go on Twitter and carpet-bomb your Twollowers with 140-character status updates.

I'm as guilty as anyone. Here in my corner of the blogosphere I constantly refer to SMU (Southern Methodist University), AAC (American Airlines Center) and PPMs (Portable People Meters). And I often wonder what happened to Mark Cuban's problems with the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission) and Russ Martin's with the IRS (Internal Revenue Service).

RE: The timeless seduction of sports has been edited down to NASCAR RPMs, ACC MVPs, MLB ERAs, NBA DNPs, ETC.

RIP, elbow grease.

Consider this not a Q&A, but merely random FAQs on how our EKGs are revealing dramatic, dumb-down shifts from IQs to IMs, and from P.S. to PS2:

*What do you think is bigger: the U.S.A. GNP or Jerry Jones' profit from all those high-priced PSLs?

*Did communication as we knew it start deteriorating when LSU/USC split the NCAA BCS? WTF?

*If you actually believe in the CEO of AIG - AKA "A-hole" - you're SOL.

*After how it treated that NFL RB, no reputation worse these days than the DPD.

*Wanna bet me that you drive a BMW SUV with ABS and GPS, own an IBM PC with AOL DSL, rely daily on ATMs and KFC and UPS, listen to REO and REM on your AM/FM or CD and can't wait to TGIF? Oh yeah, and because of your ACT scores you didn't get in to MIT. Maybe Texas A&M. Or, giggle, CCCC.

*Are the Suns athletes or airports? During the NBA on ESPN2 well after PTI, I could've sworn I saw Steve Nash wearing a PHX jersey.

*In this day and age is it possible, if not probable, for a member of the ACLU with ALS to tear an ACL in the ALCS?

*Which is more fake, the WWF or the Mavs' W-L? Or Pamela's DDs? Does it even matter what that stands for? My guess: Deliciously devourable.

*Is there anything better than combining your IHOP BLT with MTV's TRL or an IRL DVD on your HDTV? Unless, of course, your buddies BYOB. And then leave, STAT.

*With its controversial move from ABC to ESPN, is NFL MNF going the way of the NIT, ABA, XFL and your vintage VHS collection?

*I no longer know if AC/DC is electricity or metal and I've completely given up looking for WMDs. But I'm pretty sure B.C. refers to Boston College and A.D. to After Death. Or is it Adrian Dantley? And who can keep the Chargers' LT straight from Cocaine's LT?

*This is just a guess, but if you're a former SF LF on the DL concerned with RBIs but issued only BBs in the NLCS, aren't you afraid of the IRS, DEA and FBI but extremely found of BALCO?

*Aren't we glad the NHL and the NHLPA stopped the B.S. a while back and agreed on a CBA? Otherwsie we'd be cheering for the red, red and red of the good ol' CCCP.

*Mix in some mouthwash, OB-GYN breath. More of a comment than a question.

*If you can remember before AIDS and back when STDs were simply VD according to the CDC, don't you also miss JFK and CART and the USFL?

*With the WBC, WBA, IBF, ETC, aren't there more than enough boxing organizations to drive you MADD? Or at least push you to a speedy spin in the DOT's HOV lane?

*I wonder how much MLK truly hated the KKK? More than the IT guy hates you when you crash the MODEM trying to download a CV from NASA?

*Which will Michelle Wie earn first, an LPGA trophy or her own line of IUDs?

*Big enough for "MD-80" classification according to FAA guidelines, these days TNT's Charles Barkley is also starting to sound like Marlin Brando in The Godfather. It's as though the Chuckster stopped by DQ and is stowing a cud of brisket, Funyons and STP in either cheek.

*Wouldn't the world be a better place if we had more focus on POWs and less on IPOs, NAMBLA and the NRA? No? Ok, then next time a tree falls in the forest and no one's there to hear it, is it still proper etiquette to randomly kick out your trail leg when climbing stairs just to make sure nobody's following too close?

*If you ever confuse a member of the PTA with PETA, isn't it best to CYA ASAP and claim you love humans and animals equally? Accomplish this by simply producing a Tony Siragusa photo from your PDA.

*Isn't it LOL funny, or at least FYI interesting, that our favorite TV shows on CBS, NBC and UPN are ER, CSI, OC, SNL and NYPD? And, of course, if you like a little NC-17 flavoring in your H20 you can always bypass the FCC and go AWOL from the networks on HBO. But after watching the smarmy Bryant Gumbel, you'll need some quality time with your HMO.

*What's more boring, visiting a CPA or watching FIFA? Either one and my interest is DQ'd PDQ.

*If you truly have ESP or aced the SAT then why didn't you know that I was going to finish this sentence by writing that we associate AT&T, NASDAQ and AFLAC with sports though none of them are sporty?

*Even though it's painful, can we assume Annika Sorenstam would rather miss a tournament due to PMS rather than DUI? And John Daly vice-versa?

*Would anybody watch if we televised games from the AAU, FCA or YMCA? How 'bout if we made every location TBD and every start time TBA?

*BASS fishing sucks. Well, doesn't it? I'd rather watch NAFTA on C-SPAN or stand in line 24/7 at the DMV or take a fist up the ASS. Wait, that's not an acronym. Oh yes it is - Acronym Soup Syndrome.

*Doesn't Anna Kournikova remain the WTA's best USDA choice of meat to never serve a win? Not even a tournament played out in BFE, where she might've switched herself for a double-agent from the KGB or CIA. She does, however, lead the free world in downloaded .JPGs.

OMG! CEO of DKNY and GQ texting me simultaneously. I'm going to slip into something comfortable, my ADIDAS. 'Cuz, ya know, All Day I Dream About Sports.

P.S. I know, IOU.

How 'bout I send it C.O.D.?


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Richie Whitt
Contact: Richie Whitt