Wherein Jim Schutze Tells Pete Delkus Where to Stick It

So for a week the weather geniuses at WFAA-Channel 8 keep bludgeoning me with these Biblical invocations of the Winter Weather End Times, haranguing me with promises of frigid death and icy desolation until my house is now bursting at the seams with emergency pork and beans, flashlight batteries, firewood and shotgun shells to ward off any little match girls who make the mistake of bleeting at my door. And Channel 8 completely misses the whole thing! Nada. Zip. They blow the whole forecast, for Dallas proper anyway.

I'm sure they're going to claim they were right about Oklahoma. Also right, I might point out, about Saskatchewan. Which does precious little for me here in East Dallas.

So last night I tune in and weather genius Pete Delkus assures me I have naught to worry about, only some "extremely light accumulations" of "a wintry mix" well south of Dallas in Waxadamnhatchie. I go to bed in the comfortable certainty that we have dodged the bullet.

And look out there!

It's the Biblical ice and sleet storm! (Editor's note: Jim, not s'much.) Plus, I turn in to WFAA to see what the hell they have to say this morning, and there's no weatherman. For a good hour this morning they punted, with scintillating stuff like two hair models who are supposed to be anchor persons telephone-interviewing a spokesperson for the Dallas County Community School District, whom they think is a spokesman for the Dallas Independent School District, who explains in five or six answers that she is not with the Dallas independent School District, and not once do the hair models wake up to the fact that she is not with the Dallas Independent Damn School District.

FINALLY Delkus arrives on air, two hours late, it turns out, because he lives in Plano, and it took him two hours to get to work. Because of the damned ice storm that he forgot to predict!

Look, here's what we do. We need to remind ourselves that all that radar and crap they brag about is total voodoo. They have no idea what they're talking about. Delkus is a baseball player or something. The only time they get it right is during the summer when they predict it's going to be hot in Texas. Otherwise, look online.

They need to put a big pointed hat on that guy with stars and a half-moon on it and give him a black robe. I'd believe him more if he stopped claiming he can predict the weather and just told us he's actually causing it. --Jim Schutze

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Robert Wilonsky
Contact: Robert Wilonsky