How 'Bout Them Knockers: Zini's Pizzeria

Zini's Pizzeria
4001 Cedar Springs 214-            599-2600

Promised time: 45 to 50 minutes
Actual time: 72 minutes

                          The Score

Phone friendliness: 20

Nobody got food poisoning: 20

Braving the elements: 20

Food temperature: 6

Incorrect use of ranch dressing: -5

You call that a large?: -5

Specious claims: -5

Total: 51

Overall Standings

Nandina Asian Tapas 93

Zini's Pizzeria 51

See the final 2008 Standings here.

A wise man once said that pizza is like sex: Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. If that's the case, eating Zini's was like calling up one of those high-priced "Actual Photo" advertisements but ending up with a Ukrainian version of Janet, what I imagine it would be like, anyway.

I'm willing to accept some blame for the experience. Six or seven of us at the office ordered three large pizzas, a penne pasta dish and a side of garlic "CheeZi Bread" for lunch. The fact that I can't give an exact number for how many of us ordered indicates how casual we were about the whole thing. The typical attitude was: "You guys are getting pizza? I might have some. Just order whatever you want." This maddeningly informal approach ultimately lead to us order the big pies. Ultimately, we spent more than $50 on the pizzas and pasta. Only the most assertive among us got more than two slices.

But whether we under-ordered or not, the pizza arrived more than 20 minutes late and in a merely warm state. That was forgivable, considering the icy conditions outside. But what the pizzeria called a large looked, um, rather average. We even measured one of the pizzas. It measured on the Ron Jeremy scale. But fourteen inches never looked so small.

We were certain that the pizza would at least rate in the taste department. After all, the menu claimed, it was "Voted Best Pizza In Dallas." Right, it's the best pizza in Dallas. And Janet Reno's wart hair is kinda sexy.

It tasted suspicious, like somebody had tried to disguise a wet cardboard crust by over seasoning it. The green peppers and hamburger were chopped so fine they were barely detectable. Other items--the penne pasta, to be precise--ranked in the "OK" range...except for the garlic cheese bread, universally described as "weird."

"It tasted like it had ranch in it," said the person who ordered. "It squeezed into my mouth when I bit into it."

Sorry, Zini's, but that's the last time you squeeze your weird white sauce into our, that didn't come out right. Just consider it a one-lunch stand.

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Jesse Hughey
Contact: Jesse Hughey