Powerful Bachelor Seeks New Queen to Live in the Past

Hold onto your heads, ladies.
Hold onto your heads, ladies.

Handsome king seeks beautiful young lass for lifetime of revelry as King and Queen of Scarborough Renaissance Festival.

Ladies, don your finest wig, tighten your corset and wiggle into silk knickers. The medieval revelry returns to the sweeping plains of Waxahachie April 5, and this time the monarch is available. The only caveat? The king is Henry VIII.

That's right, the fickle bastard offed his last wife and is, once again, on the market. Whatever wench he woos will be lucky to survive the marriage with her head. Then again, everyone loses their head in love. Amiright? But hey, he's just a normal guy who loves a good turkey leg and a rousing game of (human) chess. Someone make this man an ad on Craigslist.

For the bachelors, the Mermaid Lagoon is expanded this year with even more legless half-fish females. Although, if memory of Peter Pan serves me right, mermaids are heartless bitches.

When your attempts to find love fall through, there are nine pubs and taverns where you can drown your sorrow. Apparently, the Dirty Duck Pub is the place to pick up rejected lasses. The festival of love will be open through May 26. Tickets are $24 for adults and $10 for kids 12 and under. But I don't think the Dirty Duck is family-friendly, so park the kiddos in front of the puppet show before you head that way.

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