10 Things I Learned About The Medieval Times at Medieval Times

Since returning to North Texas a year ago, I've looked for any excuse to get inside that fortress. Valentine's Day was sold out. New Year's Eve would have been spectacular. But when I finally ventured across the moat and into Medieval Times' glorious and completely accurate facade, it was just an unassuming Thursday night. What can I say? Sometimes a lady needs to feel like a goddam princess. Dinner rodeos are great for that.

It's a strange thing, pulling into the parking lot of Medieval Times. You're immediately surrounded by family crests, formal European landscaping and a massive castle placed surprisingly close to the highway. I knew then that I should have studied up -- aside from an old This American Life segment and a lot of bodice-ripping fantasies, I was unprepared for this grandeur.

I took some notes to guide future visitors on their journey through time and plot. I hope you find them helpful.

1.) Yes, they had Wi-Fi in The Medieval Times I suppose I should have realized that in advance, but I didn't. There are actually TWO Medieval Times Wi-Fi accounts, and each is set to private -- which makes sense. You can't let some schmuck from another land invade your bandwidth; that's how empires fall. I couldn't crack the password code, but I have determined what it isn't: Excalibur, Falconsrule, Heydudeniceskirt, Ilovedragonz, and Mead!Mead!.

2.) "Dragon scales" are delicious and buttery. If I thought there was any chance that Texas toast existed in The Medieval Times, I would be suspicious about the secret identity of this sidecar dish. But that's crazy; Texas wasn't even real yet.

3.) The Green Knight might not actually be from The Medieval Times I just have a hunch about this. Call it a suspicious nature or lady intuition, but the Green Knight seemed decidedly less royal than the rest, also I think he might have slept with the Princess at some point. He made a lot of eyes at her.

4.) Knight would be a terrible job to do hungover The coordination, the falling-of-your-steed choreography, that judgey princess -- I could not imagine having to do that gig immediately following a bender. 5.) Cocktails were pricey in The Medieval Times I thought I was prepared for this: I ripped the glossy back page off an old issue of American Bee Journal, made a funnel, and poured lots of gin into a flask. They must get this a lot, because you're only allowed two choices of beverage to wash down your dragon's tear soup, ice tea or Pepsi. Neither of those is delicious with gin. Getting a mixer from the bar will cost $4, so if you're going to be a cheapskate, bring whiskey, rum or sweet tea vodka. 6.) The horses do all of the work I hope that when those show ponies race through the mysterious curtained door into whatever badass greenroom they run into after their sets, that a giant bouquet of carrots awaits them. They have to wear weird costumes, deal with knight drama and perform all sorts of complicated horse tricks. Also, I suspect applause is lost on them.

7.) That Joan of Arc moment you're waiting for isn't coming I think this would be a great plot twist, but Medieval Times doesn't seem hip to it.

8.) Carnations are "go fuck yourself" flowers I'd heard that the knights hand roses out to the ladies, which in my head, was super sexy. Al Green getting sweaty on a stage, sexy. In reality, they hand out stubby little carnations, which everyone knows is a total player move. Carnations basically mean, "you're fine, but I'm totally courting every other woman here. We cool?"

No knight, we are not cool. We are not cool at all.

9.) Falcons are just as awesome as you think they'll be If the exotic pet fad of the early '90s repeats itself, I hope it sparks a nation-wide embracing of falconry. Also, if there's ever a bachelor auction at Medieval Times, I am so bidding on Falcon Dude. Step off, ladies.

10.) There's a very un-Medieval dance party as you exit I'm not sure what I was expecting as they flushed us out of the stadium, but it wasn't a dancefloor with lasers. Don't misunderstand, I'm into that, it just caught me off guard. Also, DJ at Medieval Times is either the coolest job you could ever have or the most shameful, but I'm still on the fence about it. I think if he owns it, flyers cars downtown to advertise his gigs, and has an awesome DJ name, like Lanc A-Lot or DJ KnightMoves, then he's a total badass.

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