Don't Watch That, Watch This

5 Attractions Six Flags Should Turn into Movies

Disney has a genius way of turning large sums of money into even larger sums of money. The executives at Disney probably laugh at the size of Scrooge McDuck’s money bin for being small and unsightly as they back stroke through one the size of a college football stadium.

With the ownership of Marvel Studios and LucasFilm under their mouse ears, Disney is clearly set for world domination. However, don’t count the mouse house out just yet when it comes to internal creativity. Disney still has a few tricks up its sleeve — like turning attractions into films. In 2003, they had a taste of success with both The Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean. Later, they returned with blockbuster after blockbuster in the Pirates franchise.

This weekend, Disney debuts their latest attraction-themed film, Tomorrowland, starring George Clooney.

Warner Bros, who play a huge role at Six Flags theme park, should take note. This is Texas. Things are done bigger here. Tomorrowland was made for $200 million, so Six Flags should make bigger films for $250 million. If the folks at Warner Bros and Six Flags are listening, here are five movie ideas that could possibly generate money of Johnny Deppian proportions.

Texas Giant
Jaden Smith stars as a young boy who lives in Texas. Upon acquiring a bunch of wood from an enchanted forest, he quickly watches his pile become self-aware.

After Jaden inspires the individual pieces of the wood pile to work together, it springs to life as a giant robot voiced by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Jaden names the robot TG and the two quickly become friends.

This does not sit well with the authorities and TG is hunted and captured by the NSA. Eventually, in his final act of love, TG agrees to be turned into a roller coaster to make children happy all over the world.

Franchise Plot Twist: He is still alive as the roller coaster and can change form. In future films, he must reveal himself to defend the world from threats of aliens and evil geniuses.

Judge Roy Scream
Judge Roy Bean was a Texas lawman who was also the jury and executioner, according to legend. In a small desert Texas town, a group of teenagers unlock the evil spirit of The Judge, who decides to come after the guilty.

Chloë Grace Moretz plays Sandy, the leader of the gang. She has to stand by while all of her friends are murdered. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson co-stars as the janitor who happens to know too much, but still manages to survive.

Franchise Plot Twist: The Judge was really just a mask worn by a mortal within the main group of teenagers. He is mad that Sandy has denied his hints for her to take him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Even though he is dispensed at the end of the film, copycat killers come back in future films immortalizing The Judge on screen.

The Log Ride
Bradley Cooper is a modern day Noah. In fact, his character’s name is Noam because his parents are eccentric and huge fans of Noam Chomsky. One day, Noam gets word from his boss that he must build a log boat for an ad campaign.

So, along with his partner Charlie, played by Charlie Day, the two build a large boat out of logs. This is basically punishment for an affair that he had with his boss’s wife. Instead of firing him, he tasks him with the challenge of building the boat and winning the Trinity River Log Boat Competition.

Their co-workers laugh at them, but through hard work and determination, Charlie and Noam actually build a boat. Unfortunately, neither of them learned anything about river navigation. `While on the river, they get lost and end up stranded. It’s not all bad for the two of them, as they also manage to find a huge supply of peyote and marijuana. Taking as much as they can, they end up being pursued by the owner of the crops – “Big Bill” played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Franchise Plot Twist: While on Peyote, they see Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck who tell them the meaning of life is to “do what you love.” At the end of the film, Noam and Charlie open their own custom boat company. In the sequel, The Looney Tunes drag them into the cartoon world to fight off an alien group of log riders who are all voiced by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

The Runaway Mountain
Children are disappearing in the small town of Mountainviewville, TX. Police and parents think they are all running away to the mines searching for fortune. However, the small town sheriff, Doug Hammersmith (played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) suspects something more sinister is occurring.

As the thriller plays out, Hammersmith realizes that a witch, played by Julianne Moore, has control of the mountain and has been luring kids there with Mountain Dew that has been infected with her despicable spell poison. Inside the mountain, she trains them with Kung Fu and brainwashes them to be her evil army.

Hammersmith saves the day as he fights the evil witch with his fists and clever witticisms like, “You can shove that broom up your ass.”

Franchise Plot Twist: The Rock may have defeated the witch, but he has yet to meet her even eviler brother.

La Vibora
This period piece, set in 1928, stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as the coach of the first Mexican bobsled team. At first, the team has a hard time connecting to each other, their coach or the foreign sport, but through hard work and perseverance, they make it all the way to Switzerland to compete.

Of course, the group of rag tag misfits is made up of various personalities including, the leader, the comic relief, the tough guy, and the rich kid. Wait a minute, this last one sounds a little familiar.

Franchise Plot Twist: The original Mexican bobsled team did not compete again. In fact, Mexico didn’t compete in the winter Olympics for 56 more years after their first attempt. The sequel would have to take place when they are older, so prepare for a lot of hilariously broken hips.
Bonus – Hurricane Harbor – The Black Hole

Six Flag folks, if those five suggestions didn’t quite wet your whistle, I know this one will. Why not take the opportunity to cross promote with another franchise?

Interstellar 2: The Black Hole
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson must strap into a space ship and launch himself directly into a black hole to rescue the only scientist who can save the world. Upon his arrival, he finds out that he is just behind a bunch of bookcases.

After crawling to the top of the giant mound of bookcases, he sees a small hole and climbs through it. Waiting on the other side is the scientist he was looking for, played by Vin Diesel. The two of them hop into a car and parachute into the sunset.

Franchise Plot Twist: It’s basically The Fast and the Furious: in Space. I am sure they wouldn’t need my help to keep fracking this well. 
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Stanton Brasher