Last weekend, Saturday Night Live exposed a secret fetish of many millennials: home browsing. According to the hilarious sketch about Zillow — starring Schitt’s Creek creator Dan Levy — when you’re in your late thirties, sex just can’t fill the void that images of crown molding can.
Maybe it’s a sad statement on the sex America is having, or the remoteness of homeownership for many millennials. The point here is, we don’t judge. If it struck a chord, you’re entitled to your fantasies. And we’re here to supply enough Dallas material to fill your spank bank for at least an afternoon.
1. 1 Vanguard Way
The listing calls it a modern treehouse. We call it a home fit for a Black Mirror villain. A red iron sun baffle and pool that “rests among the tree tops” are just some of the features that will bring a flush to your cheeks. Dystopia schmystopia.
2. 8923 Devonshire Drive
If you prefer sweet nothings to dirty talk, this one’s for you. Just check out the magical tree in the backyard. It looks like it could be a portal back in time, but if that doesn’t pan out you could always lay out a blanket and read a Jane Austen novel.
3. 6645 Northhaven Road
Does the thought of not having to share a bathroom with your spouse set your heart racing? Well, grab a seat, because with 12 — yes, 12 — separate bathrooms, this home offers more than spousal harmony. Every guest at your next dinner party could use their own.
4. 4214 Main St.
Most of the homes on this list are grand estates, but if your fantasy is a little more urban, consider this spacious Deep Ellum condo with an open floor plan and patio. The mere prospect of dedicated parking in the neighborhood is enough to turn on most Dallasites.
5. 5130 Radbrook Place
Go both ways in this home. Both ways down the dual staircase that is. And if that lost its entertainment value after a few years, just retreat to your own bar and movie theater. Or play dress up in your closet, which is bigger than a Manhattan penthouse.
6. 10240 Gaywood Road
You’ll be filled with longing when you see this massive but tasteful contemporary built in 1985. A solitary, red sculpture in the front yard sets the scene. When you have millions it’s not called yard art, it’s just art.
7. 4110 Cochran Chapel Road
You’ll want to explore the private parts of this Southern paradise, complete with “fern laden banks,” a bocce ball court, a treehouse, a greenhouse, a bathhouse and a horse barn. Plus, something called a sugar vat Koi pond. Sounds tempting.
8. 4444 Valley Ridge Road
Go all the way and imagine yourself the king of your own personal Versailles. After a long day studying old maps in the two-story library, you could decompress with a quick game of basketball on your indoor court. Take dinner in the formal dining, or if you’re not hosting guests, perhaps the wine cave would be more suitable.
9. 5016 Gaston Ave.
History lovers will want to make out with the image of this 1908 estate on Gaston Ave. An early photo is included in the listing. The street may be a little more chaotic than it was back then, but you can’t fake those hardwoods. And at least it will keep things interesting.
10. 4214 Manning Lane
This French Creole-inspired estate will have you singing “Voulez vouz coucher avec moi” in no time. But all you’ll be wanting to do is sleep in its sumptuous five bedrooms. When you’re rested, you could enjoy a Sazerac in the fountained courtyard and pretend you’re in the Big Easy.
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