Earlier this month, Charlie’s co-owner Allen Falkner took to Facebook to host a brief online Ted Talk, as he called it. It was a two-paragraph post consisting of one simple request to bar patrons: please "quit fucking" in the bathrooms at Charlie's.
“Not only is it inconsiderate for the people waiting to pee, I'm tired of replacing broken sinks,” Falkner’s post read. “Please treat yourself and go behind the dumpster. This advice is great for both peeing and wanting to have sex in gross places.”
While the post wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously, Falkner was still venting his very real frustration at having recently replaced the bar’s second sink in three years thanks to restroom fornicators.
Falkner says that while it’s frustrating, these kinds of issues are fairly common in his line of bar and nightclub work and can be expected in places like Charlie’s, which have gender-neutral bathrooms.
With almost a decade of experience operating another Dallas venue, The Nines, Falkner says he’s learned that stupid people can be costly. On top of broken sinks, he’s seen urinals ripped out of the wall and a video game machine drink-soaked and broken after just two weeks. And he's had to remove graffiti regularly. He says when you work at a place that mixes people and alcohol, these kinds of replacements and repairs become a regular part of the job.
“I swear my job is like a janitor’s,” Falkner says. “I tell everybody I’m a superintendent for a living because I’m constantly going to go in and repair and fix things and figure out how to make it more bulletproof.”
Several Facebook commenters posted their DIY solutions to reel in “ungovernable” Charlie’s patrons. These ranged from installing sturdier metal prison sinks to putting nails or spikes around the sink to make it uncomfortable to lean on — although people “might be into that sort of thing."
Several commenters also suggested that Charlie’s should create spoof “Please Be So Kind” signs aimed at sink-side lovers, but Falkner joked that the bar has yet to make an official decision.
Other humorous comments included shared stories of similar incidents people have heard about or experienced around Dallas.
Al Wood joked, “There’s something in the aether that has people fucking in bathrooms,” as he heard about a Dallas comic bookshop that had similar issues. Dallas piercer Jared Anderson commented that the same etiquette rules should apply to piercing shops, since he knows a “counter staff [who] was fired for making Only Fans videos in the restroom while working.”
Don't Meet Me in the Bathroom
“I have found that owning a bar is a lot less cocaine and strippers and a lot more plumbing and fixing toilets too,” The Little Darlin’ co-owner Mike Sanchez commented.Facebook Ted Talk aside, Falkner wants others to know he doesn’t intend to “yuck anybody’s yum.” If you want to have sex in public places, that’s fine by him. He just asks that couples flush with passion try to take into consideration the price of a new sink and others’ intended uses for the bathrooms.
With Charlie's being a dive bar, Falkner says there’s not really any etiquette-related expectations other than “don’t be an idiot.” Despite occasional faucet fornicators, Falkner says Charlie’s was built as an environment where everyone is welcome, and he is thankful for the bar’s supportive community of patrons who help take care of Charlie’s and of each other.
“We're lucky because our crowd actually helps me regulate, they make sure everybody gets home safely,” Falkner says. “They watch out for people who have been drinking too much. If there's any drama, they help to squelch and de-escalate it with our staff. We just have such great people with us here, it’s awesome.”
Those who have ever been stuck in a Charlie’s bathroom line waiting for exhibitionists to finish should be happy to know that extra portable potties will be available at the bar’s third-anniversary celebration on April 27. But we think folks should still be wary — splash zone risks aside, adventurous couples might still be looking for a good time in the semi-outdoor lavatories. Just don’t go a-knockin’ if the potty is a-rockin’.
