^
Keep Dallas Observer Free
4

The Ten Most Ridiculous Metal Album Covers of 2013

Do the people who conceived and designed these metal album covers just not give a fuck, or do they give too many fucks? The answer is not entirely clear, but that's what makes them so awesome. Behold, the ten most ridiculous metal album covers of the year.

By Jason Roche

Zodiac-A-Hiding-Place.jpg
Zodiac - A Hiding Place - see #10
10. Zodiac A Hiding Place

The next time you feel like doing the "siren surrounded by dogs" gimmick, try to find dogs that actually look threatening. Rather than cuddly. I think the one on her left there actually belongs to my aunt. He loooves having his belly rubbed; aw, he's a good boy, yes he does.

9. Blackout We Are Here

The use of Satanic imagery and the middle finger to represent anything remotely cool or threatening is dead and buried, the bloated corpses of each represented by whatever the fuck this is. Also, that thing's forehead looks just like a butt. I wonder if it poops into its own eye or something. That'd be kinda metal, I guess.

Profanatica-Thy-Kingdom-Cum.jpg
8. Profanatica Thy Kingdom Cum

This attempt to be shocking is somehow just totally whatevs. Satanic imagery clip art. OH MAN and I just got the album title pun! Well, I guess that is actually pretty clev-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Rawhide-Murder-One_1.jpg
7. Rawhide Murder One

These guys wonder why they can't get a second date.

Cleric-Vatum-Inferno_1.jpg
6. Cleric Vatum Inferno

Most people who try acid for the first time end up scribbling something like this, but the key is not to publish it.

5. Persekutor Power Frost

Cool vacation photo, guys. Is that the hill Mom twisted her ankle on? Thank God the ski lodge had hot cocoa and ibuprofen.

Thunder-Tribe-War-Chant_0.jpg
4. Thunder Tribe War Chant

Not the optimal way to have your spirit forever immortalized.

Vastum-Patricidal-Lust.jpg
3. Vastum Patricidal Lust

This could have been cool: A warrior standing proud and naked, beholding the giant he just disemboweled. But that shitty Halloween bat creature at the top sends it all to pieces.

Iron-Mask-Fifth-Son-Of-Winterdoom_0.jpg
2. Iron Mask Fifth Son of Winterdoom

OK, this knight-looking thing and his doggies are charged with protecting the Fifth Son of Winterdoom. The question is, what the fuck happened to the first four Sons of Winterdoom? I see no sign of any other living babies. Also, the art here makes me pretty sure this is the cover of an upcoming Pixar film.

I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Dallas and help keep the future of Dallas Observer free.

Stratovarius-Nemesis.jpg
1. Stratovarius Nemesis

Now available on PlayStation 4 and Xbox One!

See also: -The Top Ten All Time Best Replacement Lead Singers in Rock and Roll -Songs That Have Hidden Messages When Played in Reverse -The Ten Best Music Videos Banned by MTV

Keep up with DC9 at Night on Twitter or Facebook.

Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.

 

Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.