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An Open Letter Concerning Traffic

Uptown Left Turn: (noun) A traffic violation occurring at a lighted intersection, wherein a vehicle turning left does not yield to oncoming traffic when his or her signal turns green. Instead, the driver of said vehicle attempts to preemptively enter the intersection ahead of the first cars coming in the opposite direction, forcing the vehicles with the right of way to come to a screeching halt. Named after a neighborhood in Dallas, Texas, where assholes do this shit all the time.

Dear Woman Who Made An Uptown Left In Front Of Me This Morning,

Hiya! It's Andrea. What's up, girlfriend? Just in case you don't remember who I am, I'm the girl you nearly caused a major wreck with at the intersection of Maple Avenue and Cedar Springs Road this morning around 10 a.m. Ya! Remember me now? We had such good times together.

Like, remember that time when I was trying to drive straight through the intersection when my light went green, but you slipped out into the intersection to turn left just a split second before me? Of course, when I say "slipped," I mean you slammed on the gas, thrusting your shiny black Lexus SUV into the intersection at top speed, exposing the entire passenger side of your car to potential harm, not necessarily from my little compact car, but certainly from the large pick-up truck in the lane next to me. Fun, fun, fun!

If only you'd had a passenger in the front seat to put in mortal danger! How cute would that have been? But as long as you and your fluffy blow-out survived, well, I guess that's what matters! Hehe!

And you did survive, because both myself and Mister Pick-Up Truck thoughtfully slammed on our brakes, because we didn't want to see your beautiful, shiny gas-guzzler harmed in any way. Luckily, there wasn't anyone traveling behind me, or they'd likely have hit the back of my car while I attempted to accommodate your assholery.

In closing, I would like to suggest that you find the sharpest tack possible, turn left in front of it, and then sit on it.

LYLAS, Andrea

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Robert Wilonsky
Contact: Robert Wilonsky