So. This happened yesterday:
I hope all is well with you!
I wanted to let you know that GSN (Game Show Network) is coming to Vista Ridge Mall in Dallas next Saturday, June 2nd looking for Dallas' best and brightest contestants to cast in our upcoming series, "THE AMERICAN BIBLE CHALLENGE," a new game show hosted by Jeff Foxworthy. We'd love to invite you to come cover an event of biblical proportions!
We hear the people of Dallas are super fun, passionate about pop culture, love competition, and of course, you guys have an awesome knowledge of the Bible, so we're coming your way.
The First 500 people to come out will receive a special gift!
We've got nothing else to add. But we have questions. Chiefly:
Is this the end? Of game shows? Of the world? Is this merely the start? Of the Next Great Evolution of game shows? Of the Rapture? Is Jeff Foxworthy the next Steve Harvey? Is Jeff Foxworthy now more Steve Harvey than Steve Harvey? Is this really happening? What's the gift? Is it a Bible? Is it Heaven? A crucifix? A T-shirt with, sic, THE AMERICAN BIBLE CHALLENGE in all caps and italics?
How would you even format that? All on one line? Two? Three?
Were the Mayans right? Is Harold Camping right? Is he still even alive? Is there wine in the green room? Is there grape juice? Are there wafers? Are they vanilla?
What about shellfish?
Is it like Jeopardy? Is it like Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? Can you phone a friend? What if your pastor's your friend? What if you're in between churches?
What do guys wear? What do girls wear? Does "sex sells" apply here? How much money are we talking about for the winner? Do you have to donate to a faith-based organization? What if you're an atheist? And while we're at it, if you're an atheist, are you the crowd favorite or the villain? What if you're a priest? What if you're a Muslim? What if you think Obama's a Muslim?
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Does everyone pray onscreen or off? In the opening credits, or closing ones? What's the protocol on praying to win? Whatever happened to Elimidate? Why no Howie Mandel? Would you be able to help yourself from cheating? Is there a study packet? Is that study packet just called the Bible? If you win, how do you celebrate? Do you stop going to church? Do you dance? What if you're Baptist? What if you can't dance? If you lose, do you fall through the floor? Are we onto something here?
Are you going to show up Saturday? Do you really think you know the Bible better than anyone else? Do you think Dallas does? What about Abilene? Does "American" in the title refer to the contestants or the version? What if you're Canadian? What if you're Mexican? Will the bonus round feature Planet Kolob?
Seriously, is this really happening? Why are we so excited? What are the odds that this makes it to a second season? What are the odds that This Changes Everything? Should we be even taking bets? Is the show going to air on Sundays? Should it air on Sundays? What happens if you don't tune in? We mean, in the grand scheme of things?
By the way, who's even got the balls to sponsor this? And what's the etiquette on saying "balls" on a Christian cable game show?