So a bunch of us are sitting around on New Year's Day laughing at the empty seats at the Ticket City Bowl, gulping venison chili and combating our headaches with straight up hair o' the dawg. Suddenly, invited to our football-watching gala by a mutual friend, the Big Ten Buffoons show up.
They're big. They're buzzcut. They're burly. They're, well, buffoonish. Picture a group of Steve Dennises, all wearing - for some reason - camou.
The three guys yell "Today the Big Ten owns it!" and other similarly random and irritating shit. To us Texans and our buddy from Alabama, this provides not only more cranial pain but - more important - a delicious wagering opportunity.
The Big Ten Buffoons, as if we didn't know, remind us that their sacred conference littered with slow, beefy, plodding white players has five teams in action. After some good-natured ribbing back and forth, the poop ricochets off the oscillating wind machine:
"Care to put your money where your mouth is?" asks the lead Big Ten Buffoon.
"Never," I retort, "thought you'd ask."
And with that, numerous wagers were placed on the five games. At this point in the story I'd like to inform you that next time we're out, drinks are on me.
Texas Tech 45, Northwestern 38.
Alabama 49, Michigan State 7
Florida 37, Penn State 24
Mississippi State 52, Michigan 14
And as if 0-4 by an aggregate 183-83 weren't enough proof, the Big Ten Buffoons got Buffoonier.
"Badjehs!" Dennis' DNA double exclaims about Wisconsin. "Double or nothing!"
And with - I kid you not - a combined $4,500 at stake, the Buffoons learn another hard lesson that they somehow never quite learn: Speed. Kills.
"'Consin's gonna blow this tiny school out into the Pacific!" screams a stubborn Buffoon. "TCU hasn't played anybody!!"
Of course Wisconsin indeed piled up impressive rushing totals against TCU in the Rose Bowl. But yet again, it didn't matter. If the bowl season were one of those World's Strongest Man competitions where you have to flip the 250-pound tire end over end for 40 yards then yeah, I'm taking the Big Ten.
But if it's college football, no thanks. I'm taking the field. Big Ten teams are built for weather, not warp. Every offense worth a damn beats them with a little thing called the forward, downfield pass and by forcing their defenders to attempt to make one-on-one plays in the open field.
TCU took big, bad Wisconsin's best shot and simply made - courtesy of linebacker Tank Carder - one more play than the Badjehs. Frogs 21, Frauds 19.
I had a guy on the radio before vacation absolutely serious that Wisconsin would "ram 40 points up TCU's ass." I reminded him that TCU's defense was fast, and damn good. Probably won't hear from that guy today, or this week. Likewise, we won't hear a peep from Ohio State's preposterous prez E. Gordon Gee, he of calling non-BCS conference teams the "little sisters of the poor." To their credit, the Big Ten Buffoons did make payment arrangements to the winners.
I know Oregon-Auburn and the crystal football is still a week away, but somehow I feel as if the college bowl season has already climaxed. Not exactly certain that TCU is the best team in the country, but I'm real sure which conference is the worst.
Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.