Lists, Rankings and Guesstimations

The Top 10 Things We Learned From The World Cup

Most American men watched the lads in the World Cup and had the same three-pronged reaction to the lads participating in "The Bachelorette'': For everyone involved, it goes on too damn long.

- These fellows are about to plummet from planet-wide stardom to back-to-Podunk obscurity.

- At least everybody gets to score ... once. But it was an education, right? To wit (To Whitt?) ... The Top 10 Things We Learned From The World Cup:

1. The vuvuzela makes for charming audio on the television. But we would no more want to sit in a stadium between a pair of vuvuzela blowers than we would like to sit in a press box between Human Vuvuzelas Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless. (Been there, done that.)

2. When other countries' anthems were being played, we Ugly Americans tried our best by singing along ... by repeating the name of the country in sing-song. "Oh, Netherlands, Ne-THER-land, Yeah, NE-ther-LAAAAANDS!''

3. Landon Donovan is the greatest-ever U.S. soccer player. It's wonderful that he's accomplished that feat while sharing an athletic resemblance to our own Richie Whitt: short, slow and balding is no way to go through life, sons ... unless you are either a world-class soccer player or an alternative-weekly sportswriter.

4. Speaking of ink-stained wretches: Sports Illustrated's Peter King is one of America's greatest football writers ... and one of Africa's worst football writers.
 
5. With all due respect to the announcers' athleticism of soccer players ("If Zachreid Johanssening played in the NFL, he'd be a wide receiver type'') ... Hey, if Zachreid Johanssening played in the NFL, he'd be a placekicker or a punter. If ALL the guys in the World Cup played in the NFL, they'd ALL be placekickers or punters.
 

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Mike Fisher

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